It's going to be okay, in the end.

It's been like 2 years since I've done anything on this site. It's hard to keep up with but it's really fun to use. I've been extraordinarily busy and probably negligent, actually probably uhm, more than negligent to certain aspects of my life. I live in Philadelphia now, as we had planned for a little over a year, but there isn't really an 'us' anymore. It's just me, across the country, attending online college, managing my own finances and needs - It's been about a month and I've started talking to people and dating again. I think I'm in no place for anything serious.

It's weird to like, experience so much with someone, and feel so connected, and trust so much in them and then have things fall apart like they have. And it's definitely proportionally my fault, I could have done more, I could have been better, but I let myself neglect my own feelings and hers, and even though I'm so far away now from everything, I cannot go home.

I have not told her this because I know it would be wrong, and if she reads this I think it's right that she knows but, If I had gone home, or go home right now, I would see my bed, absent of her presence, the hundreds of dollars of plushies, which I loved so much, and I think that I would maybe end my own life. I'm not exactly sure how I would but I think I would be pushed to it, even with the support and love of my parents, I think my emotional neglect as a child has made me sensitive and susceptible to muse, as the only other time in my life that suicide seemed like an option was when I was 16 and my first girlfriend broke my heart after 3 years. It's funny actually, how 2 years can mean so much more than 3.

I'm glad that we can still talk sometimes, even if I think that my feelings are ignored, I understand it's an emotional response, blocking me out, pretending like I don't exist sometimes and dulling her empathy towards me. It's shitty but it's what people do when they're traumatized, when they've been hurt by others, when they've been ignored themselves. I recognize what I've done wrong, and I am often wracked with guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I fucked up, and that's what we do, and we can only move on from our mistakes, the best we can, and be better, for them and for others.

The thing I am going to miss the most are the people that are more a part of her life than mine, more collectively parts of our lives at the time, that I love too. I will miss her Uncles, and her Grandparents in California. We took probably the most fun trip of my entire life this summer, and I will always cherish that time we spent together. It was the most special thing I had ever experienced. There is nobody else I would have ever upended everything to move across the country with, and nobody I was ever more certain that I loved. Sometimes, our certainty is not misplaced but is too full of hope, and ignorant to our own issues.

I don't know what she thinks, we really haven't talked since we broke up, in person that is, about our emotions, besides the 3 or so weeks I spent a wreck who would call her even though she asked me not too. I know it's was shitty. I was very weak, and still very in love. You can love somebody and not be in love, because love itself is not enough to build a life around. And I cannot make her feel different, however much I wish I could.

I've been finally playing Disco Elysium, the critically-acclaimed esoteric hyper-political art student project about inter-personal relationships and gay detectives (fanon) - and it's really helped me feel better. I feel a kinship with Harrier DuBois, not in that I'm a drunk amnesiac detective who's killed 3 people, but in that sometimes it feels as if I *ruined* my life - I'm solely responsible for my self-destruction. But I spoke to my old English teacher, who I am so happy I can still speak to, despite his deep fatherly care for her, and he told me that really, the only 2 ways I'm anything like him is that 1. - I am sad and 2. - I have an excellent opportunity for change and self-transformation. And I remember, I am not even 20 yet. I have so much ahead of me and it's all so blurry, and foggy now, I cannot be sure of anything like I was. But the past is besides the point, and I cannot go there, all that exists is the present, and the present-to-be.

So I need to get my goddamn GPA up bad! I fumbled my freshmen year of college BAD because I spent all my time working and focusing on little things for me but also a lot on her, and I wouldn't take any of that back because it really did mean more to me than anything. So now I just need to focus on myself, and maybe that isn't the worst thing in the world. It's what I've been doing, whether I like it or not. I read a blog post of hers from about a year ago now and, it had some wisdom, that I will carry with me now.

"love is lost, but that doesn't mean it never existed. love is never a waste. i accept the things i cannot change, and it will set me free."

Tayadora, I do love you - not in the sense of a relationship but, who you are. Fundamentally. Your life is yours, and mine is my own, but you have a place in my heart forever. I hope I never forget you, and that you never forget me. I will make an effort.