getting up where i fell - what im doing right now [life goes on - pt 3]

heyup

life is definitely not the greatest right now. It's really silly how contradictory I feel right now. Just so you know, for anyone struggling, it is extremely easy to fall back onto bad habits and bad self-talk. but now, I've reflected back onto everything and i'm ready to admit I haven't been being as kind as I should be to myself.

these days i want to BE someone. A person with hobbies, pursuing their joys and studying to get into colleges. It made me extremely jealous to see so many people know what / who they want to become. I felt like I was falling behind, struggling with simple things like waking up and going to sleep. 

I was ignoring what I learned. I was beating myself up, letting the guilt consume me and pushing my body far past it's limits. But it never felt like "enough" to me. I let this mindset take over my mind without a second thought. 

My first reaction to being so tired I would pass out after barely doing one assignment, or how heavy i felt coming home, how I KNEW that if I got anywhere near my bed after school I wouldn't get back up or how i felt guilty for simply eating and sleeping was not "this isnt normal. stop pushing yourself.". It was "keep pushing". It's easy to let a mindset take control over you when its something you really want / find normal.

The truth is, its never healthy to burn yourself out. To make yourself miserable by not even being able to eat or sleep without guilt. To feel ashamed to show up to class. Your going to keep pushing until your body breaks. 

But your body is a TEMPLE given to YOU to protect. Don't abuse it like it's not worth your thoughts and patience.

I still don't feel "enough". I base how much I need to do on outside factors, like my due dates or peers around me. But the truth is that I am not at that pace. I can't force myself to go farther than my limits. And if I can't do certain work, or If i am so exhausted i don't want to eat or i can barely keep my eyes open when doing work, that means I need REST!

Don't feel guilty for having urges. For being human. For being someone whos recovering from something that consumed their entire life. 

You wouldn't judge someone who takes a little longer to get places when they break their leg and wear a cast. They won't walk as fast. They aren't lazy, nor is this not their "best". You are being hindered. Don't push yourself to get results when it isn't benefitting your mental or physical health. 

Self love is so important.