Journal #18

I've become so lazy when it comes to school. It's not even funny anymore, it's just becoming worrisome. Usually, I'm pretty on top of things when it comes to essays or assignments in general, but I've been so sluggish about it. I have an essay due for peer review next thursday, but I've not even started yet. I've reread the short story I want to cover and have a bit of an idea of what I want to write about but not really. I'm thinking of doing it on Alice Munro's "Passion" because I feel connected to that story in a way that'd take a long time to explain, but what I will say is that Neil reminds me very much of my boyfriend (except the part where he's an alcoholic and fucking dies) so I've a huge adoration of him. 

Worries aside, things have been pretty good. I sort of armchair diagnosed myself, though I do know what my issue is, I just have no idea on how to properly address it. In a fit of self-directed frustration and exhaustion, I spent like three hours watching youtube videos and reading articles on causes and self care tips regarding anxious attachment issues. Like every negative mental issue, childhood's the root of it and I've been this way as long as I can remember. When my parents would leave for the night (to go out to dinner or to a party), I'd completely panic and would only fall asleep once crying had completely worn me out. I couldn't stay at school alone because I was far too afraid to leave my mom's side so she'd stay with me until the bell rung. I had to have one of my parents near me when I slept. But the thing is, I don't know why. I don't know if there was ever a specific cause for this anxiety because I don't remember them ever leaving me alone in such a way before all of that. One of the things that struck me from one of the therapist videos I watched was feeling like your partner's love for you fluctuated the moment they pulled away. I definitely struggle with feelings like that especially because my love language is physical touch and his isn't. Even if it was his, I know I realistically can't expect him to hold my hand or hold me constantly. The panic I was experiencing then was because his attention was turned towards another girl and that triggered my feelings of abandonment even though there was no rational reason to feel that way. 

To work towards security, I need to remind myself that we're separate people. I do know this, the thing is in a moment of panic I might forget. There are a few methods I picked up:

1. Focus on you. Direct focus towards your breathing, the feeling of your body, the feeling of your heartbeat, or basically any other physical feeling you can control and remind yourself that you are very much you and they are very much them. 

2. Direct your attention elsewhere. If you're really panicking, text someone to get some other conversation going, read a book you're reading, or try thinking about something that doesn't involve your partner whatsoever. Basically just do what you can to remove yourself from the situation and mentally bring focus to a different part of your individual life until you feel regulated enough to rejoin the group you're a part of. 

I think what would help me in a situation like that is a little bit of both. Reminding myself we're both individuals may help greatly and I think focusing on the physical stuff would help me greatly. If I really needed to, I could fidget with the littlest pet shop I always carry around in my little keychain. Learning how to feel secure is incredibly important to me. So I want to try these things and get used to the discomfort if possible.