fleeting

i was riding passenger in a car ride back home when i looked up at the sunset and was like "this is a really good time to listen to midwest emo"

and i did. i listened to mom jeans, a band i haven't listened to as hard as i used to in middle school. i sat deep and hard in my residual angst, my fears about the future, my lack of belonging anywhere.

when i moved about two to three years ago, i didn't miss my hometown. i didn't have a lot of people to miss there and my life was so quiet and mundane. i thought about how i left the place i used to live in for the majority of my life and how disconnected i feel from it.

i feel like a ghost, even in the town i live in now. my existence is transitory, fleeting, and i never got to set my roots down anywhere. i've been seeing tiktoks of high school seniors crying during senior night, and i rarely, if ever, get to miss people/a place so terribly. it's both relieving and sad.

i think about the friends i have here and how they've lived longer in this place than i have, how intimately they must view the streets, how they have inscribed special places in their hearts and memories with the people here.

i don't have the same thing. i've had good memories here, but not the grounded-ness of it, if that makes sense. 

i think of running away from my problems a lot of the time, both figuratively and literally. i've thought of moving away again, maybe somewhere in the mountains. my heart feels like it's shutting everything out, not letting anything close enough to stay.

sometimes i hope that the people i've encountered, no matter how short of an experience, remember me. remember me in small, miniscule ways that keeps me alive, substantiates my image as more than an npc.

some other things i've been thinking about that are not related to my weird existential angst:

- i want to recreate arthur morgan's journal. i haven't finished the game, i'm only on chapter 4 and am desperately trying to delay the ending, but when i've reached the epilogue, i want to work on recreating his journal. i have a cute leather bound journal, it has this floral design, and i thought it'd be perfect. arthur morgan is such a lovely character, and i've become so intensely attached to him and the story. i really like seeing how he navigates both the world and himself.

- i've had a sweet tooth recently, probably because my period started. i bought these mint chocolate chip cookies and i'm planning to eat them later with some ice cream. very excited

- speaking of mint chocolate chip, i've only started liking the flavor recently because of a friend. her and i grew closer over the past two years, and one day when i was at her house, we ordered some food, i forgot what, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. it was genuinely the best thing i've tasted, and it's become my top favorite ice cream flavor ever since.

- i doubt myself so often and worry about the value i bring to my family, but sometimes i think about when my cousin told me that my grandma brags about me and i want to cry /pos. i rarely connected with my family in the past and felt like they could never love me, but to be loved so far away rewires my brain in ways i can't fathom.

- romantic love is odd. i think about all my experiences with it (which were arguably not. healthy instances of love) and it feels weird for someone to perceive me so intimately. i feel like a stranger to it, as if i never dated anyone in the first place. romantic love is like a boat getting farther and farther away, shrinking into the horizon. i don't know how to feel about it.

- finally before i eat a sweet treat and go to sleep, i used to bake brownies. and they were really good! best things i've ever made! i'd warm them up a little in the microwave, put mint chocolate chip ice cream on top, and devour the shit out of it. it's the best, actually, and i really want to bake those brownies again soon.