Journal #17

Yesterday was really fun. Me and him went out to Amoeba when it first opened so we could be sure to get a ticket in. I got the 20th anniversary prints and he got the hardcover copy of volume 1. While we waited for the actual event to start, we went out to Little Tokyo for lunch and a little walk around and then we hopped on a bus to this little fish store. There were like, three dozen baby mice with their parents and they were the cutest little things it took so much restraint not to bring one of the little guys home. Then we headed back to the record store and talked to a couple of other nerds until we got into the actual signing thing. I got this pinup print of Wallace in his underwear signed alongside my paperback Volume 1 from home. Then we met this other chick from Merida and invited her to join our band cause she plays base.

All in all, it was a really fun day, so please don't think anything really went wrong when I tell you I had to stop myself from sobbing on the train the whole way home. I don't know what the hell my problem is but I sort of do? He didn't do or say anything to upset me and neither did she. Actually, me and her were really just talking about otaku shit the whole time. So please someone, anyone, explain to me why my flight response was active the whole time. I hate being in groups I absolutely cannot stand it. I don't know why I came up with the stupid idea for a band anyway I know I do horribly in them.

I have this awful tendency to feel the need to exclude myself when with more than one person. I automatically feel that it's my job to be the "sidewalk friend" as its been dubbed. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. They both made me feel so included, so why did I still freak out about it? Why did I still feel threatened by her? He asked me what was wrong several times because I'm so awful at hiding it and I didn't want to hide it, I just didn't know how to explain it to him and I definitely didn't want him thinking it was his fault by any means or that I had a bad day because it's not and I didn't. The thing is, whenever he so much as says "good morning" to another girl I fucking lose it because I've come to expect that someone's going to replace me but it's not like that anymore. God I feel like such an idiot. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to stop it. I know it's an irrational assumption based on my anxiety but I don't know how to stop it. And I'm so unbelievably beyond tired of crying myself to sleep even when the day was good. How do I feel secure? How do I feel like I'm irreplaceable? Can someone like me even begin to truly understand that?