today's anxiety attack, verbalized

you seem to know exactly what and who you want, and here i am confused and overwhelmed. does anything make sense in time? what is the timeline for healing? am i just creating conflict as a way of distracting myself from the grief i've yet to deal with? am i using her death as an excuse to be a bad person and make bad decisions and hurt others just to run back and say "it's because i'm not healed yet"? i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i've already attained one of my lifelong goals, and now i don't know where to go or what to do. will i ever get out of here? what if i'm stuck in this city forever? i'm a bad person. i try to make everyone happy and keep everyone around and it never works. people-pleasing is a bad thing, isn't it? how do i break the cycle? i don't care about myself enough to try. where does self-worth come from? why don't i like me? i can't stand living in this body and existing. i'm having a hard time breathing. i need to calm down. where's my worry stone? sh*t, i think i left it in the car. okay. what now? breathe. breathe.. just breathe.