My Social Life and Outlook + Artist Rambles

Omggggg. Bro bro,,, BRO!!!! Does anyone else fall victim to an imaginary standard in their mind, overthinking to the max and just burning out??? I swear it's one of my biggest ops like... Oh right this was about my social life. Well it applies to that too yk? And like I'm more introverted, but I genuinely do enjoy social interactions, but I overthink them too much I think. I'll set an unrealistic standard for how I should talk, when I should talk, and then I'll just end up shutting up and distancing myself entirely from people. Like there's a difference between that and my social battery just running out.

I guess I get anxious, and it's a real pain honestly. And not only that, when it comes to getting to know people, I start overthinking conversations too. I can never let that sort of thing flow naturally. It's like everything is just one big school assignment. How do people make friends so easily? How are you not paranoid out of your mind about the right thing to say? Why are you all so normal??? I'm just ranting. But like I think it ties into my struggling people pleasing habit. Certain old habits die hard ig. 

I feel the need to yap a lot to explain myself and relate to others, but I believe most people don't find that pleasant. The thing is, most normal people wouldn't be stressing over this I think??? Like I'm not good at knowing when to cut off, at least not without overthinking and extending the conversation. Whether it's drawing, writing, meeting people, I find myself struggling to NOT push it all away like a coward. I'm trying to like, not do that anymore,,,

Growing up I've always just shut my mouth, and put my head down in fear of messing up if I don't think explaining myself is option. Sometimes my words would fall on deaf ears or people just wouldn't understand and I'd get embarrassed and shut up. Or worse I don't pick up on the situation socially. I process stuff pretty slowly imo, and I don't get certain things. It's why in these cases I try to tell myself, at least for the simple everyday interactions in life, it doesn't matter, nothing matters. I love these people, but they aren't my responsibility, I don't need to pay attention to everything in order to check off a box. There's things I need to keep up with in my own life. They have their lives, I have mine. I don't need to destroy myself mentally over nothing.

It's so weird... I don't like being sensitive to every word said. Not in a, oh I'm offended way, but I want to understand people when I talk to them. I love people, I hate talking, I hate small talk, I want conversations where I'm not trying to act like a customer service operator or a people pleaser out of habit or as someone else's entertainment.