control

i wanna cry so much. this hellish year is nearly over and my mother is making my healing process so much worse that fucking narc bitch. 

I CANT LOSE CONTROL. im terrified i cant lose that sense of control, i cant let the monsters in my family win. i cant let my mum control me, i cant because im panicking so much shes so horrible to me. she hates me. but i have to keep lying or ill get hurt so much more by her. i have to act like everything is okay, until im 18. i can do that, but its so hard when all you wanna do all day is cry. but your so used to having no one to cry to so you just cry in your head.

i feel like something really bad is going to happen. like a storm is on its way. theres nothing i can do about it though, and i didnt cause it. 

i dont know how im going to survive 7 weeks of summer holidays, i dont know how my 15th birthday is going to be. i have to keep praying that my next school experience is going to be alright. otherwise i dont know what do to. im so scared, everyday im always so scared