it's late, but I'm not that sleepy

i wanna do stuff tomorrow 

excited, i guess

to do things tomorrow 

'cause i was decorating photos just now

and i wanna continue decorating photos

(didn't finish decorating the photos)

and thus,

my mind is still in "i am doing things" mode

i got this really cute photo album recently

it has this thing on the cover, like a reflective pattern thing

if you tilt it a certain way you can see heart patterns on the cover

holographic , like princess lum's hair

i heard that rumiko takahashi intended that lum's hair color was like a laserdisc cd, that it would change in the light 

i guess animation technology back then didn't allow for it to be conveyed as clearly, making her hair look just green. kinda had that shiny effect, though.

I'm watching the original series rn, on episode 30 something 

I've been wanting 2 catch up on case closed, too

on case closed I'm on episode 20 something. 

It has like a thousand episodes. And tons of movies....And the manga...

By the time I finish the whole franchise I'd be like...idk. It'd take a while. 

I'm not one to be able to know much about things. Like be fully invested in something.

It's not often I like something so much that I take the time to know everything about it.

 I admire people who are able to be so dedicated to and in love with something. 

Some people might think it's cringe, but maybe there's a certain bitterness in their hearts that they aren't able to love anything as much and freely as others can. 

Again, I'm not really the type of person to be really really invested in something to the point of knowing everything about it, 

but as you can probably tell,  I really like the hit Otome Game/franchise Obey me!: shall we date.

It's really one of the only things I'm obsessed with.

It holds a really dear sentimental value to me. 

I don't always agree with the game team though. Solmare, there's a lot of things people always complain about the company.

I mean, they are a company, after all. Money comes first.

A part of me really likes the game.

 It made me not give up on life and because of that has a lot of sentimental value to me- but I also kinda hate it in some ways.

but like, yeah. Not everything I like is good. I can't just like stuff based on how good it is, yknow? i like stuff based on how much i like it.

on the "is it good for me?" spectrum, i think...

yeah, probably. but also idk. I don't actually play it every day. A lot of the time i just am there to collect the daily login.

It gives me something to do, and makes me feel like i am a part of something and have done some sort of accomplishment. It helps with that feeling of utter worthlessness. 

It's hard sometimes being a neet. "Neet."

I mean, i don't hate it. if i didn't take the time off I'd probably be dead. 

Still kinda sucks. I was in a really good school, too. Prestigious school, only for the best of the best. You had to be invited to attend it.

I found out recently that it really isn't uncommon for people there to suddenly drop out.

Makes sense.

i still dream sometimes. that I'd be able to do things that people my age are doing. hanging out with their friends. and saving money for their future. having actual fulfillable dreams and aspirations. having purpose and plenty a reason to live.

yknow, i was thinking just now. And i know what'd be the perfect job for me. 

Arranging things. Like, you leave me in a room with a bunch of unsorted shit, give me 2 hours, everything is going to be sorted and labelled. 

or maybe a translator. i really want to be a translator, but right now I'm not that smart.

anyway yeah. the future looks bland a lot of the time. 

i have legitimately cried tears at the mere thought of being stuck like this forever while other people get to live a life i could only dream of. 

but I'll save up. get a decent job and a house of my own. and maybe it'll not be as much as I want it to, but it'll be nice. I'm sure it will. 

i just wanna be like other people yknow? social. wanna get a good education. wanna be able to meet and talk to people who are my age. to interact with people normally. to find community. to contribute to something. i wanna do what other people my age are doing. 

i wanted to get a scholarship, yknow. i really did. 

i didnt get it. 

I've always wanted to study abroad.

the future looks bleak, currently. 

I've always wanted to just...hang out? yknow? with my friends? friends. i don't actually have any. that i meet in real life, regularly. 

I've started attending fun events and conventions less and less because I'd end up crying after seeing that I'm the only one my age who went with their mom instead of their friends.

i shouldn't cry just because other people are having fun.

it feels stupid. it's all stupid. 

it's not like i can't do that shit, it's just not my time i guess.

Just one day. i wanna be able to do...something. 

i dunno yet what. 

i just know that i wanna do something,

i don't wanna be useless 

and i wanna make a life for myself 

i can, just that right now it feels difficult 

so yeah. I'm just gonna sleep. therr are better things to worry about anyway.

like breakfast tomorrow.

and maybe i can't talk to a human person without talking weird, but like what the heck, everyone talks weird 

everyone's a little weird and that's okay 

at least I actually try my best to be kind and respectful to everyone i come across 

i try, okay  i try. 

i try so hard and sometimes it feels like it's not enough.

but there is no 'enough' 

there is no line I'm supposed to pass. 

it's not a fucking competition

i am living my life, and i am living the way i feel like is fit, i am constantly trying and trying and trying to heal (both metaphorically and literally-) and I am GOOD. okay. i don't care what anyone says. I try so much to be good to myself and everyone around me, I have come so far, from being a self loathing suicidal apethetic selfish peice of shit to someone who actually tries to see the fault in themselves and change.

and ANYONE 

who says I'm not doing enough 

can

 KISS
 MY 
ASS. 

Okay bye gnight am eepy byeeeeeee.