Being weird.

i hate being so weird. I think i am, even if others don't tell me. 

Why does nobody talk to me? i see people standing up once lesson ends and reach their friends. Why do my friends don't do that? Why am i always the one talking to them? Because i'm weird, that's why. i hate it. I walk and talk pretty much like others, but still, i feel so different. i feel like an alien that has to be perceived by others as a human but others can somehow see i'm not. i wonder what i do wrong. Is it shyness? Is it cuz i'm boring? i try to imitate them but it doesnt work much. When others make a joke, others laugh. When i make a joke, they just smile to be kind and probably think what is wrong with me. Even tho it's the same fucking humor or even similar jokes. i can feel it. When others do things, they are looked as they are on the same level. When i do the same, i can see that they don't like me enough. Even tho they say the opposite or if they don't say anything at all, i can still see that they see me as less. They see me as a weirdo, or as a child. And sometimes they treat me as such. It's not fair. i'm mature, very. Some would say i'm even too mature for my age. So why? Why am i percived that way? It doesnt matter if they cleary don't say that, i can just see in their eyes somewhere, that for them, I'll never be completely "enough", I'll always be less, one way or another. idk what to do. Maybe it's bc i'm neurodivergent (ocd) but yk i do not act that strange... maybe. 

Might be i'm victimizing myself, but i couldnt keep this to myself any longer.