why do stupid people overshare online? (contains oversharing)

I don't know I dont have an answer for that. BUT I do think I have answer for why i do it. 

that's right, I am stupid people.

i do agree like wholeheartedly agree that oversharing online and talking about your mental issues in excruciating detail is fucking r worded 

but

LISTEN.

I have a reeeeally good excuse.

okay I'm not framing it as an excuse cuz that makes it sound bad but I recently came to some sort of like???? conclusion? an epiphany of sorts? like I feel like I finally figured out why it's so easy for me to do it instead of like idk whatever the healthy thing is to do. I dont even KNOW the healthy alternative. it's not journaling; journaling doesnt really do shit for me. 

damn I left this page for a sec and forgot what I was typing lol. so I'm just gonna like get into it.

I'm typing this on my phone, which i hate. i like typing on my laptop. but i havent really gotten out of bed today. I tried to work on an art project, I looked at it. I hated it, and I gave up. I mean like just completely gave up for the rest of the day like I always do. i got into bed and daydreamed, watched youtube videos and ig reels and didnt even fucking try to do anything else. 

just completely gave up.

I feel like a good 60% of this year has been me giving up, laying in bed, curling up into a ball and going to a world where I dont exist. this is a fucking nightmare. I say it all the time. I hate myself. I hate this body. I hate this person that I am. I cant escape this hell that is my mind. "why cany I just be normal?" I'm always thinking.

so. that is the like gist of the like casual part of the blog. now onto the conversation!

question, why do I just do that? why would I spill out those feelings like that? on this public place? WEIRDO.

well, the truth is, I dont entirely know myself but I think I've got an idea. or maybe this is the reason and theres like nothing else to it:

I am lonely.

so

very

unbearably 

lonely.

I dont have anyone except my family. I'm stuck in a house with them 24/7 all day everyday. everyday is the same. I dont leave my house I cant leave my house I have no car and everything is too fucking far away anyways and I have no one to go with and no money to do anything.

I have no one.

no one to talk to.

no one who shares my interest.

no friends.

no partner.

just a jobless hermit that lives with their mom and other family.

the internet is ALL I have.

and it's so damn bad for me.

I hate social media, I'm not even fucking social.

all I do is compare myself to everyone I see and make myself feel like shit for not being as good as them. 

but it's so easy for me to come hear and do this because I dont know how to do anything else. I've been online for so much of my life it's just sad. like of COURSE I wouldnt know how to break away from the internet, I've been on here since I was like 9. hell maybe even YOUNGER.

I am so miserable. I dont even know how to explain it.

I hate being alive. lol.

but it's so weird because I hate all of this. I dont want to be online at all, but I refuse to delete my accounts. I wanna get offline and disappear, yet still havent done it.

like, what's WRONG with me?

I'm getting off topic but this is par for the course. I never stay on topic.

but that's what I think it is. I get in here and go wah wah wah and then I just leave? but I also check here sometimes to see if anyone comments. no one ever does. of course. not only do I post at strange times but I dont post callout posts and I'm not famous and I just talk about my life like how blogs used to be.

but that makes me sound like an attention seeker.

I am not seeking sympathy or attention. well I hope not.

 I just wanna find out if theres anyone else that feels like this. I guess. or honestly, just have an excuse to talk to someone. but I fucking HATE talking to or being around people. I cant fucking stand them. and most people on this platform seem fucking insufferable and annoying. myself included but online partially lol. 

this is why nothing makes sense and I cant stand myself. I'm so fucking stupid. 

now, if I do get a comment, let's say on Instagram or something, its always the same dumb bullshit.

"it gets better!!! you're gonna be okay!!!!"

do people who say this ACTUALLY think they're doing anything with this? you think I'm gonna believe you? every year I become more and more depressed and you think I'm gonna believe that shit? 

I've seen people be real about it too.

it doesnt get better. its gonna get worse and then you die.

its not like that for everyone.

but I have no money, no friends, and I've been getting significantly worse for years. I hate hearing that bullshit.

I got off topic UHGAIN. 

there was something I wanted to mention but forgot bc I started RAMBLING.

 im no longer in the mood to write this. my eyes are like tired but I doubt I'll fall asleep soon.

I just want all of this to end. i dont wanna feel this way for another year. 

I wanna get out of this body and be someone else.

preferably karl hadrika.