10/13/2024

October XIII, MMXXIV

I haven't taken the time to truly write down my feelings or debrief in a good while now but Seth, being the sweet and supportive boyfriend I am unbelievably lucky to have, recommended I take the time to do so; He is very good at calming me down and keeping me grounded.

I have definitely been more emotional and on edge with not having an outlet. There hasn't been that much to report considering I am practically a hermit, but enough stressors to effect me. I know for one, I am ready to start my life; I am sick of feeling like I am some doll to dress-up and show off. I never feel like I can truly be myself or do what I want, because if I do, I'll get shamed and manipulated into feeling bad- but I know that it's manipulation, so how do I combat that? 

I would try to set boundaries, but last time I did that they got blatantly disrespected. Do I simply act nonchalant and flippant as if it doesn't bother me? Well, I tried that, and got accused of being my father. I haven't been that hurt in a very long time. Especially considering the fact that I have expressed how fearful I am of becoming one of my parents. It always hurts when someone you have love for uses your vulnerability against you, even more so when you had so much love you would never expect them to have done something to hurt you like that.

There is good news; I met this family at my church, and while church in itself is an entirely separate subject I could talk about but I will save that for a more personal entry- or maybe a future entry here. Anyways, the family i met are so sweet; the husband plays keyboard for the church while Seth plays the drums. The wife is very artistically gifted which makes me excited as I don't have many art friends. The two of them invited us out to eat a couple weeks ago and it was wonderful, I had a blast. I think Seth did too, and hope he did, but I talked most of the time to truly know.

It made me a little sad to talk to them though, with the entire Hat-guy and Cheyenne situation. I mostly brushed it under the rug and have yet to confront that situation but in the end, their feelings were expressed and no amount of defending or explaining my side would have changed that. I will say them expressing them feeling taken advantage of has been ringing in my head; especially with my home situation recently and being called "cruel".

I don't think I am a bad person, and I pray to God I am not, but when people you care about call you such things it makes you question. I try to remind myself, the people I have or had love for aren't always the best people, so taking their words to heart can be seen as ridiculous. 

I don't have much energy to continue writing but letting off a little steam and having talked about it in private helped. I hopefully will write more throughout the upcoming week if I remember.