Log 003: Hopeless babble

More of a vent, my apologies :(

To be honest it takes a lot of strength to keep going every day. It takes a lot to keep a clean head too. I feel like I can never heal. I need someone to be here with me but I have nobody here. The idea of me is loved but the true image is not. No one would stay for proper recovery, they would give up and leave just like everyone else. I’m trying so hard to get up but every day is another shove down another flight of stairs. 

I wish I was seen for what I was instead of the idea of what I am. I’m suffering, every day I’m suffering and I can feel my brain getting worse but if I were to speak it would be shot down and excused. 

I’m still stuck in the mourning cycle, I’ve never finished mourning. I feel smaller than ever and yet I should be “better” by now. I never got better, it keeps ripping and tearing and shredding the walls of my head and my heart.

Am I even supposed to have a real life? Am I meant for anything? Am I just going to end up like my father? Unloved and unacknowledged until the day everything crashes down? 

I made this space to share how I feel yet I’m still so afraid to speak. I sit here let ideas fester and spiral yet I can’t even get them out, they just sit, like I do. I’m failing everyone and everything and all I want to do is forget everything.

How am I even supposed to be loved, I’m impossible, I wish I could just disappear so the only person I disappoint is myself. I hate being a failure.

I wish I could feel loved. 

I feel like there’s something wrong with me (when isn’t there?) where I struggle to feel loved by anyone. They say they love me, I truly want to believe them, they treat me like I’m someone loved, but I feel nothing. I love the other, but I do not feel the reciprocation internally. I want to feel what its like to be loved truly. I want to be loved. 

I wish it wasn’t so hard for me. 

I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.