Recently

I don't really know how to word it. 

Recently I've been having more and more vivid dreams. 

Again, nightmares are a normal occurrence, I don't mind it that much.

I'm just afraid, yknow ?

That again those dreams slowly start to stop feeling like dreams. 

And I won't be able to tell what I'm doing anymore.

And I'll do something really stupid again. 

And it'll all start over again.

I've always struggled with this. 

Being present. Being 'here.'

Being real. 

I keep having dreams of things I would never do. 

And I wake up, having to check once or twice that i really did wake up. 

A lot of the dreams I have just feel so vivid, so real, and yet I forget almost everything when I wake up. 

I just feel ashamed to have even have thought about it.

To have dreamt something that horrible.

And i have to remind myself that it's a dream.

And at the same time, having to remind myself that this is real.

Recently, feeling out of it.

Feeling like I don't deserve to be. Here. Yknow?

Like I don't deserve to be around people, to be a part of society.

I know re-entering society, being social again, talking to other people is difficult but really, I think it'd be best if I just stopped being 'out there.'

Of course, that's not true. The 'it'd be best if,' part. 

It really would be better for me if I continue to try.

I'm just afraid that I'll do something wrong.

I guess this is my sign to take a break. 

I've been coming up with a cold recently, so maybe that's a factor to it. 

Been sneezing a lot, but it's not that bad.