noticing more about myself.

so whenever I visit my grandparents i end up talking to my grandparents or more specifically my grandma. they typically end with her saying I'm probably a psychopath. this has made me realize i should probably get into therapy. but anyways, the reasons she says this is because I'm not scared of anything, I don't really care about others, but I feel like I'm just being rational. I know that its selfish, and well I guess I am. I care about those around me simply because I enjoy the company, but I will not cry if they die. its useless. 

why should I care, honestly. its not like I can prevent it, and its already happened. I think i just strongly take the past is in the past speech to heart. its just weird, idk. I just don't really care, like (lol) I don't have any fucks to give. like i only care if it truly affects my day to day. and i mean mine. I don't give a damn about others day to day. like obviously i do occasionally but in general i don't. 

this is because for quite a while i always tried to help others, but for the most part no one ever took my advice. not that it was always good, but it typically was. example "i hate having to do chores every day". well you can trick your brain into liking doing them by rewarding yourself with something you like after you do them. then they make excuses as to why it wouldn't work. that probably the thing i actually don't like is excuses that have no backing. like "i cant do something because I'm fat" good on you for recognizing that but do something about it.

as for the not being scared of anything, i just don't fear dying. why should i? its gonna happen anyway, like of course i won't go out of my way to do something dangerous, or to die but heck. i dont mind if im gonna die like oh well, its kind of like an oopsie daises. and if i dont fear death why should i fear anything.

well actually i do fear one thing, and i think thats probably falling in love. im scared of it, i dont mean omg i love her, but an actual relationship. maybe its just bothersome and im scared of that. so i guess it would be a unhealthy relationship I'm scared of.          

ahh this shits corny, its true, but corny. probably am a psycopath lol. 

spooky regards, r