I think I will keep my head up

I have seen how she has been doing. I feel pity, and I am saddened, as I have watched her grow since she was basically a child. She used to hold my hand, and grip onto me as if her life depended on it. I was there for her, and held my head high, for I thought I was doing good. Maybe I was, but it's so hard to tell. I can recall three instances- before it all truly began crashing down- where the threads between us broke apart.

One.

She would have episodes, which in and of itself I don't think is horrible; however, there was always a voice in the back of her head, someone else from her school, who would tell her over and over that she was transgender, not feminine, not herself. It maddened her, and I remember the nights where she would cry to me out her depression and tell me that she did not want to hear this voice any more. I assured her that this was, indeed, not her own voice, and would console her through her depressive episodes. However, I think she had begun to search for something else to cure her ailment of self-loathing, as she had wanted so much to have sexual gratification from me as well as try to distract herself in any way. This horrified me, but I felt weak. I was supposed to be there for her and protect her, who was I if I said no?

Two.

There is one thing to be depressed, but it is another thing to hurt yourself on video in front of he who you love. I was him, and I was hurt, too. What was I supposed to do, but sob as you tore through your flesh? Those nights were long, and I tried to be there for her, but even a knight's armor wears and breaks. I am sorry.

Three.

I remember this night. I was supposed to be enjoying it with my mother at a restaurant. However, she asked me if I wanted to be polyamorous. Was I not enough? I felt paralyzed and broken. I never forgot this.

Maybe I was meant to go through this, but I have felt so lost for so long. Maybe if I had loved her enough, and stayed, she would have flourished. I see the corruption, though, her struggle as she becomes vain and continues to look for that romantic gratification somewhere else. Will she be just another fish for the Maw? I don't know. I can't even look at her with anger, just despair and pity. I am saddened, but I think I will keep my head high. These are the consequences of our actions. She says she no longer wants to be in a relationship, let alone a long-term one. I know she is not one for flings or hook-up culture. She will be torn apart by this. But I must only look upon this with despair. I am sorry, but I think I will keep my head high. I think I will move on.

I think I am a Drifter.

I am like a child

In my mother's arms

I am like a child

In my mother's arms

Don't cry for me

'Cause this is where I want to be

I am like a child

In my mother's arms

I love you. I am sorry I left, but I must make sure at least one of us lives to see life for how beautiful it is. I do not want to lose myself into the abyss. I can't try to keep you happy by bending to your every whim. I want to be happy, too. I will never hate you.