horrifically gay

there's a girl i've had a crush on for a little while and i genuinely can't stop thinking abt her rn so i'll just. rant. about my general feelings abt her and my recent thoughts abt romance.

she's so gorgeous and so lovely, i enjoy talking to her. T_T and i am NOT her type!!! which i don't mind, i never really thought she'd like me back and just liked admiring her. she's so out of my league and i'm too much of a pussy to really do anything about my feelings. i haven't dated a girl in yearsss... last time was a one month middle school relationship, so clearly i have very little experience :p i don't count the two relationships i've had with guys becuz god they were both actually horrific. relationship is honestly a stretch, it'd be more aptly described as imprisonment. >_> 

i'm chill with not doing anything about my romantic feelings and just riding them out because i know she doesn't like me back and i really don't want to lose her if she knew i liked her. my perspectives of romantic love are also shifting and i'd rather figure out how i feel about romance first before i actually date someone or ask someone out.

it's odd because before i so so badly wanted to be in a long-term relationship but now i'm just like. yeah i'm dying alone /lh this isn't too bad, honestly, i don't mind ending up not having a romantic relationship in the future. maybe some the reasons for my acceptance are rooted in unhealthy beliefs (after my last relationship, it was so so hard to believe i was even capable of loving someone. but i was also manipulated so i can't really. blame myself. :p), but i also like accepting that i might not find "the one" and that's fine. 

on a related note on being gay, i used to worry often about being a legitimate lesbian. it's so silly and i shouldn't worry about fitting within a label, but i worried regardless. i've had to check the lesbian masterdoc over and over to remind myself that i am actually lesbian and not bi/straight.

but it's so so obvious in my gravitation towards women/nonmen. i take notice of the pretty women on campus all the time but i rarely notice the guys there. i remember the faces of the girls i've seen but rarely any of the guys. 

i also get so so disgusted when i see men on my fyp LMAO i see a guy post a thirst trap/thirst-trap-adjacent video and i press not interested so fast. they freak me the fuck out!!!! that stuff isn't for me u_u 

i think a reason why i have to convince myself over and over that i am lesbian is because a guy from a previous relationship invalidated the FUCK out of me when i came out to him. when i came out as a demigirl, he gave me a book to read that was like "transgender is a trend and it is plaguing our 'daughters'". like okay dude i would've appreciated you slapping me in the face more than that. it was so horrible, i cried so much after i read a few pages of the book, and throughout the relationship, he'd "slip up" and call me a girl, use she/her pronouns for me. it was so lame. T_T

but now it's easier to be like yeah i'm genderqueer, yeah i'm lesbian, i don't need to prove that to anyone!!