Doing Things

Gonna try start doing things again.

That I actually enjoy doing. 

I used to bake a lot. I hated every second of it. 

But I kept on baking, every other day, like a stupid dumb dumb idiot. 

Because it was the only thing, really, that I was able to do well.

Now I'm realising that I don't really give a fuck anymore,

 on whether or not I'm Good Enough or The Best at something and I can do whatever I want to forever.

I was painting the other day. It's fun. I wanna get into painting again. 

I like studying. 'Studying' meaning writing in my notebook and pretending to do stuff. 

I don't think I'm very good at studying, but I like to think that I am.

 I wanna set aside more time to do that.

To do things I actually like doing 

And not things I pretend to like. 

There are some books that I haven't read yet. A bookmark is sitting in between the pages of my Sherlock Holmes book on my nightstand. It's been there a while, might as well read it. 

Remembering that I wanna go to the library so I can see what happens next in that book series I was so invested in once.

There are a whole lot of episodes of beloved podcasts and shows I haven't caught up on. 

Some places I haven't tried jogging at yet. And yet again I am reminded that I don't have real running shoes. So I've been wearing a pair of sneakers instead. It works, I guess. 

Some patches I haven't painted. Some things I haven't sewn. I've been wanting to patch up my one pair of pants. I especially like embroidering little sparkles and other patterns. It's fun. 

Some games I haven't finished. Those annoying cards I wanna level up. A new event in the game recently, so maybe then I'll be able to level up those cards.

Things I wanna draw. Anatomy and light studies. Confident lines and blocks and detailed little speckles of colour I wanna spend time filling in.

People I haven't talked to that much, people to meet. 

And friends I wanna talk to more. 

Letters I want to write to them and decorate with the prettiest stickers.

And maybe tell them, "i love you, thank you for being such a good friend, thank you for being so kind to me."

And yknow what? As each day passes, it feels less and less like a day just going by. 

Well, yes, each day goes by, but some things stick. 

Sometimes you feel sad and remorseful or so so giggly and happy, and that doesn't necessarily go by as easily. 

It nests itself as a sort of memory. And I think that's nice.

I know I won't be able to suddenly be productive or anything, but I find that if I really try, I really can start to enjoy being alive again, yknow?

That now, I can start actually wanting to do things. 

I can start living again. 

It's hard sometimes, feeling just so useless. Worthless. Like there's nothing going on for me. There's nothing I'm doing that's of significant importance. 

But really, there's a lot I can do. Just have to remind myself of that, I guess. That there really is a life I wanna live for.

To anyone reading this, have a good day. A super good one :]

Okay, bye bye now !! ^^