anxiety

    Last night I could barely sleep, I tossed and turned for hours, unable to find comfort in either the pillow I laid my head on or the woman I slept next to. I suppose I also had something close to a panic attack as I struggled to sleep, I've had panic attacks a few times before but what I felt last night wasn't as severe as they usually are. Despite its lack of severity I still felt the same effects that I usually do when this happens, fear and difficulty to even breathe correctly. I'm still not sure what could have caused it, even as I type this in the morning I can still feel it's effects on me, the pit in my stomach won't go away. First I suspected what may be to blame for all of this could've been the 300mgs of caffeine I drank from an extremely disgusting C4 energy drink, the can looked stupid enough, it had wwe logos on it and tasted like sweat. But I feel that the drink is only partially to blame, the rest of what I felt is because of me. 

   As I struggled to sleep and breathe my head became flooded with thoughts about my life, am I doing the right thing, did I push someone just like me away, am I still hurting someone that I would die for, am I a bad person, what do I want? This went on until 5 in the morning when I think God probably decided to take mercy on me and let me sleep, or maybe I just finally collapsed from exhaustion and unhappiness. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Jesus appeared for me, I wonder just how quickly after I gaze upon his face would I fall to my knees and weep, beg him for his forgiveness, beg him for his love, beg him for the answers I so desperately need. But he isn't here, despite how much we need him he isn't here to lead us all to salvation again, he's long gone and hopefully in a much better place. In the end I feel that my search and need for him is very similar to my search and need for the answers on what to do with my own life, for both I need to find them on my own.