One for Sorrow, Two for Joy

1. Cutting a velvet ribbon

Well, I bit the bullet and soft-blocked him on everything, as well as some of his friends who I know don't interact with me much. There was this pic getting shared around on everyone's socials where he's skipping around and holding hands with another guy I know - I realised I wasn't really at the point to just "be friends" with this guy, I hadn't detached enough yet. I guess some people could call me selfish for booting these people out of my life, but this year they didn't give me the time of day, didn't wish me a happy birthday - I spent money on them for theirs - and overall made me feel lesser-than because I had decided to end a relationship that was mentally damaging both parties. One which, by the way, was only fixable if we weren't in the middle of a busy semester and actually had the time and effort needed to repair things. So my priorities were in a different place and I had to face some bad consequences, well, okay.

Meanwhile I am hanging out with some new friends, old friends too, I visited the art gallery and ate at my favourite restaurant yesterday. Then spent the evening stargazing in the countryside (my favourite past time). I'm getting forced into a space where I just have to spend a lot of time with myself, which is a big deal after 2 and a half years of complete all-consuming codependency. A funny aside, I did actually see my ex while on my way to the gallery, and he looks more sullen and sick than I've ever seen before. I did wonder if this was just a bad moment for him, but my friend confirmed he has been acting this way for a while now. So then tell me, are the photos true? Are you really happier with this new person of yours? Someone who, I certainly know, has fancied 3 other guys at once and is obsessed with attention. I'm sure it will work out.

The irony of this is that I don't want him back, I really don't. Even friendly conversation just irritates me, that look on his face. Making me feel so small, making me feel like this massive narcissistic abuser who never did anything for him. I gave him everything I could muster. We spoke 24/7, I drew pictures for him, half a poetry book is dedicated to him, I scoped out considerate and oftentimes expensive gifts, we went on excellent dates, I have a hoard of love letters completely devoted to him. I really wonder why this wasn't good enough. Why he claims he would have "given me everything" if I just didn't "mess up" - how did I mess up? By being busy? Lonely, even? By not having that constant stream of devotion when things were getting bad for both of us?

I find it impossible to beat myself up over this just based on the absurdity of it all. I have so much love in me, and I love people and doing good things for them. I think it was a smart choice to establish the distance.

2. Drunk on a Monday

Hello friends,

I'm back to square 1 I guess. I made the best whiskey & coke of my life (though it may just be that the whiskey is very high quality) and I'm buzzed alone in my room writing a massive research report that is worth over half my grade. Also thinking about a charming online friend who is only bound to wake up in the next 2-3 hours so I will put that on the backburner.

What the hell to do alone on a Monday? Besides work, and try and read my book I borrowed - I also have to return a library book sometime tomorrow. Something for the calendar I guess. And... yeah... nothing much else.

I hope everyone is well. I hope I am better, properly, soon.

3. Plot development