Journal #13

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!! HE'S MY BOYFRIEND!!!!! HE'S BEEN MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!! FOR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look, I don't ever want anyone to doubt how slow I am, how strong my sense of doubt is, or how wonderful of a boyfriend he is. I want to marry this man. I want to try and better myself further for not only myself, but this man. I want to lay with him at night and kiss his pretty eyelashes. I just had no idea we were an item. 

We were sorta in a situationship type thing until I confessed to him. He told me he'd give me a true and good chance this time. The way I took it was that he'd give me a shot at bettering my mental health and asking him out. Apparently it meant we were dating. And we've been together. For like seven months. He'd refer to me as partner to his friends, but I noted that he'd call me his "friend" to other random people and since I never heard him call me partner, just friend, I assumed that's what we still were. BUT NO. He said it's so people don't know how to get to him and he's still sorta not over things from his last relationship (it was seven years long) and prefers the term partner which I really don't mind since I'm still figuring out my femininity myself so that's comfy for me, too. I honestly thought his sweeter and more loving treatment of me was because he was just starting to fall for me a second time, but he's liked me back, like like liked me, the whole time. Because he's been my boyfriend this whole time. Who's in love with me.

I only figured this out because at the gym last night, he told me he was watching Dan and Phil for an hour to get an idea about how they go about creating their content/how their dynamic plays out cause I put him onto internet support group the night before. And I said "Those fuckers have been raising me since I turned twelve." Then he turned to me and said, "Y'know it's funny. Every girl I've ever dated has liked Dan and Phil." That's when I paused and murmured shyly, "We're dating?" And then he paused and looked at me really confused. "Yeah, of course. We've been for months." That's when it all clicked in my head and I couldn't stop laughing. It was the funniest thing in the whole fucking world. And I told him he's been an absolute joy to date and that it really was my dumbness not his love that led me to believe we weren't a thing. This whole weekend I despaired because I thought it was really over, but when I brought it up to ask him about it and we cleared everything up when we got to my place which was nice cause then we cuddled on the couch.

Like, just everything makes sense now. Holy fuck, he's my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. How the fuck did I not know. He said it wasn't the type of thing to really say, it just sort of happens. Like how you don't really ask to have sex explicitly, you just go along with body language and mini verbal cues and consent. I wish I knew this whole fucking time. I'm such an idiot. I'm going to take him out for dinner or drinks this weekend because he's my boyfriend and I fucking love spoiling his cute ass. What the fuck.