i'm afraid

I'm afraid every day. 

there's this moment in time every morning where I open my eyes and my head flows like wind. I don't have a conscious and I am not at all. then the dread seeps through once I realized I am and I do and I live and I deal. it clouds me like matter and weighs my heart.

but i must live and deal so I do though I am.

it frazzles and twists me. I walk through my day possessed by it and wrestling till i'm weak. If I'm lucky I'll be alone. 

I rest my head and my body sinks.

I am so afraid. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of others. I'm afraid of Earth. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid of it ending. I'm afraid of not doing enough. I'm afraid of doing too much. I'm afraid of not being able to live. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying and there's nothing there. I'm afraid of everything and I'm afraid of nothing.

 as i slip away in that fear, i hope to just be as I am.