my concussion isnt healing and its my fault.

sometimes i worry i'm not investing enough time into my relationship with my cat. i sat with him today while he ate. i noticed a painting on the wall i've never seen before.

where have i been.

between the head injuries and all the drinking, and all the things in my life cascading down around me i'm finding it hard to feel anything at all these days. my soul is pushing on my ribs trying to get out, wanting to live again. it cant inhabit such a broken body- these receptors are dull. 

none of this is real.

i want to remember how much i love you. i actually beg the world to let me hurt like that again. your name passes through the back of my mind, fleeting thoughts. nothing ever enough to spark an emotion. i am trying to make you something to me again- for a moment i thought you might have been but the truth is you could walk away and so could everyone else, i wouldnt even flinch.

i would want to. but i cant make you anything to me- i am not anything to me.

i want to remember you. i want to remember what i was when i was with you.

she calls me and apologises, didnt know i was still asleep well into the afternoon. my head is pounding, my limbs feel stale. she asks me when i'm leaving. i tell her friday morning.

"isnt that today?" i didnt even know it was october.

im not sure where this shirt came from. its quiet in here, too quiet.

i havent seen him in forever. i wanted to take it slow and i jumped the gun, i just couldnt get the words out right, even when i was drunk. i made it matter so much more than it was supposed to. the jokes didnt land, it wasnt smooth.

he kissed me and im not sure why. i just missed my friend. i missed his bed too- i know something in me wants to belong in it with him. i dont remember how people do that-

how they make people matter.

little universes in my head. bring me home. personifications- characters i wanted to play. worlds i wanted to create have slipped through my hands. soft sand. i saw an image of a knife and felt my heart beat- i wanted to identify with the patterns in the handle more than i did with my own body. the sunlight used to hit my wall just right and i could feel unspoken truths about the universe. you would laugh and my chest would glow. you would touch me and my skin was on fire. the things on my walls used to say something about me- there was a reason i brought them home. im in a corn maze in my consciousness trying to find where i left myself. 

its too dark in here. i found out that if i drinnk myself to sleep he cant reach me in my nightmares anymore. he cant send my friends after me to hurt me just like he did. you can never touch me again and i wish you never did because now i'll never matter until somebody wants me like that again. this is all my fault. my fault?

tomorrow is supposed to be a great day. i wish i was excited. i wish i could experience it like she will. there is no life inside of this body. the receptors are dull, my nerves wont react. the irony that this is what i get for finally trying to live a real life.

its too quiet in here.