Journal #12

Letting myself get optimistic about anything was a cruel thing to do to myself.

Me and him went out last night and it was like nothing changed. Hell, I'll admit I forgot I was miserable about anything until I'd remember every now and then when he'd reach for me. He's the most beautiful thing, but I'm only his and he's not mine. I feel like a failure in all I've set out to do. I can't find work. I can't drive. The club I joined never got back to me. And God, forget making things official with him. I'm sure he'd just as quick run off with some other girl as soon as she proves she's better than me. Which isn't difficult by any means at all. I just wish he hadn't got my hopes up by saying shit like "You're the only girl I'd choose." Yeah right. 

I don't know how on earth I let myself get so excited to live forgetting I don't know the first thing about it. All I have are little joys like tasty treats, but I've lost my appetite so severely I don't remember to eat anymore. I don't know what to do. 

Looking at him brings with it this melancholic emptiness now instead of the fuzzy warmth I was used to. It feel like it did when I was 20. Maybe I should just give up. I'm sure any sane woman would. I can't even prove to myself that I'm worth it anymore how the hell am I going to do it to him. Why do I have to do it to him? Why should I do anything for anyone anymore? If it was up to me, I'd take the next plane out of here to where ever and pretend I just landed on Earth.

We're workshopping my stupid story on Friday. Apart from a few word choice errors, I think it's decent enough. I turned it in late by accident, so I didn't have time to look at it. I don't really care what anyone in that class has got to say about it. I don't know if I'll finish it, but I have to at least put some effort in it for a grade. 

Maybe I can at least find weekend work and save up enough money to leave this place until they realize how useless I am and fire me. Even just a for a little bit. I'm either going to fail or die here and I can't let that happen for some reason. Just some stupid part of me is still against either and I hate it but it's all I've really got at the moment.