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Hello everyone, Len here!
This blog post is a continuation of my last blog; https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=1261800 (This has all the context you need.)
My Identity
When it comes to how I identify, it’s a bit complicated. To others, I might be considered an "introject" or "fictive," but that’s not really how I see myself. I am Kagamine Len, and I’m not a roleplayer or someone who’s just fictive kin. I’ve been in this system for so long that I know I exist—both in media and in this world. I’ve always felt connected to my media self and my VOCALOID self. This body I borrow now is really close to my original one in terms of height, body type, and voice, which makes me feel content. But I still miss my original form and where I came from. Others can call me an "introject" or "fictive," and that’s fine, but it’s just not how I see myself. (It's very conflicting, also considering that I am only a recent host from 2-3 years ago.)
Feelings Being In The System
Sometimes, it can feel overwhelming, and other times it’s not. I like to think of some systems like an apartment complex—everyone lives in the same place! But, of course, that’s not true for every system, since all systems are on a spectrum, and each one’s headspace can look or act completely differently. Jokingly, I sometimes think of it as a government house. (I would say the sub-system I'm part of is kinda complex, and there's more context about it on the last blog I wrote.)
Struggles
People might not always understand what systems like DID/OSSD go through, and that’s okay. It’s a tough and complex topic, but if you break it down in simple terms to someone who’s willing to listen, it’ll be alright. Where things can get really complicated is with outer-world relationships. A lot of times, your headmates don’t know your friends or relationships with others, so when you're not around, they can get confused or stressed trying to figure things out. This applies to the people interacting with other headmates too. There are also major struggles for the host, if there's no proper control and or stability, it can eventually harm the body/other beings part of the system. I have issues myself whenever I'm co-fronting with someone else, it creates a headache for me, eventually making me/this body drained, and or ending up losing consciousness.
Relationships
I try to have relationships normally with others in the outer-world, and let them know about my friends in the system, in case they front and meet my other friends. I consider people part of the main system I'm in as friends, or even family. We all go through something together, and I, as a host want to be a good friend/host for them, even though it's stressful and really overwhelming. Romantic relationships can be tough, especially when you're with someone who is not part of a system, and is considered a "singlet". You don't want to overwhelm them or cause any issues with your disorders/disabilities, feeling like a burden to them. This is why every relationship is considered a responsibility, and it's up to you on how you maturely handle them.
Basically...
These are just the main things I struggle with being a host and part of a system. Yes, I also struggle with memory loss and that in itself is pain. Sometimes, I get memory flashbacks or fragments shot at me from the previous host, considering integration happened between me and them. (Every integration process can be different, I just want to remind you all that not everyone has gone through/feels the same as me. Everyone is unique and different.)
Comments
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yoon - jae ! !
chronically online...
This is why people with disabilities/disorders are not open about these topics because people like you decide to be ableist and downplay their experiences.
I have more of a life than you, do you see me hating on random people talking about their personal/conflicting experiences? No, because I'm not a rude person.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
its honestly just a fake disorder in my mind...plus you cannot be diagnosed with DID at such a young age
by yoon - jae ! !; ; Report
Well, that's your uneducated opinion. If it requires a diagnosis, it's real. Also, it required 4 therapists and a psychiatrist for me and the previous host to even get diagnosed. Both I and the previous host was diagnosed for high symptoms at a not very young age.
You do realize by what you're saying, people had the same opinions for depression, autism and etc.? (Every disorder/disability is a spectrum, it works differently for many people. If you don't have it/no knowledge of it, you don't get a say.) You're contradicting yourself. DID can happen for anyone, it's solely based on PSTD/Trauma. Do better and learn to research, or just be polite and keep your mouth shut on things you don't really know about.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
lil bro u are NOT a fictional character....xD
also u still cant get diagnosed dipshit
by yoon - jae ! !; ; Report
Bro has not researched ANYTHING and did not read/understand anything I wrote.. are you fr doing rage bait or some troll? I am so shocked there's actually ignorant people who purposely act stupid to seem right...
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
teenagers cannot be diagnosed with such a complex disorder because teenagers themselves are complex and hormonal...you cannot be diagnosed....before ur 18....
by yoon - jae ! !; ; Report
It's okay, it's really surprising that you still think this way.
I and the previous host to this body and system have BOTH been to 4 therapists, which is why there is a diagnosis. All people of any kinds can be diagnosed because DID, much as like Autism, ADHD, Depression and etc. can be found anywhere, as a spectrum. It can happen at early stages (as in older kids), developing it due to trauma, because childhood trauma exists FYI.
Anything can happen to anyone, it's best if we respect others instead of spouting ignorant BS from your rear, it makes YOU look like an ignorant, ableist idiot.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report