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Being a recent host and borrowing a body that's not yours can be incredibly challenging. A lot of people think Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is just about having multiple personalities within one person, but it's more complicated than that. It's different from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and other similar conditions, though I do have BPD too, which I'll get into later.
In my experience, I'm part of a main and sub system with other headmates and alters who each have their own identities. We share the same body, but each of us is a unique individual. Some of us get along really well and consider each other family or friends. But even with that, it doesn't make things any easier.
When someone else is fronting, I can end up dissociating, which means I suddenly lose track of what's happening and wake up confused in the headspace. It can be really tough to manage, especially when I’m in a split or spiraling. You lose touch with the outer world and might not know what's going on. This can affect your relationships, both with people inside the system and outside. If others aren’t aware that someone else is fronting, it can lead to misunderstandings. (There are times where I do co-front (being conscious at the same time with another person, but it can cause headaches for this body, and mostly me.)
Relationships within the system can be like any other—they require good communication and mutual respect. When I'm feeling down or struggling, it’s crucial to make sure I’m being a supportive host and a good friend or headmate. It’s a lot to balance, especially with the trauma and issues I’m dealing with which causes communication issues, but it’s important to keep trying and seek support when needed, even though.. that can be hard.
Sub-system, can be different for any headmate. A sub-system is a system within a system. There are two types of subsystems;
- Alter with their own alters: An alter that has its own alters
- Group of alters not in contact with the main system: A group of alters that are not dormant, but are not in communication with the main system
I’m part of a sub-system where I also serve as the current host (I am not the core host, the original owner of this body.. this body is just similar to my original form, and has the voice I had, it still isn't my actual body though.), and I view the alters in this sub-system as my alter egos or personality fragments. Given my personality disorders, these fragments are closely tied to me—they’re different versions of the same person, but also not entirely the same. In a way, I think of them as my clones, or just different aspects of me that can be separate.
Managing these personality fragments and alter egos along with other alters in a separate system that’s not directly connected to me can be incredibly challenging. It often feels like a full-time job, almost like being a parent. Even though some parts of the system might be more mature or responsible, it’s still a heavy load to bear. Many alters want to have their own physical forms and original consciousness instead of constantly sharing one body. I understand this desire because it can feel like you don’t truly own anything of your own.
DID is a spectrum, and every system and headspace is unique. Some systems can be an identity or a place in themselves. There’s so much complexity involved, and unfortunately, some people misunderstand DID or treat it as an aesthetic, which can lead to the real systems and individuals having to constantly prove their authenticity.
There’s a lot more to DID and the struggles that come with it, but the main point is that disorders are not a trend or a style statement. Acting disabled isn’t a fashion choice either. Everyone’s personal struggles are real and deserve respect and understanding. Many people, who are part of the spectrum, ADHD, Autism, DID and others.. mask it, it's not fun to have.
(There is more information about complexities, feelings and in general stuff, but I would need to go more in depth with that for another essay. In the meanwhile, if anyone has any questions, I wouldn't mind answering!)
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Melrose
I have DID, but I live in multiple functionality, not many patients can really achieve that without a LOT of therapy and recovery work through the earlier issues that caused the splits. I am sorry that people are trying to make DID into the new Oh Look Squirrel ADHD thing, being both neurodiverse and on this spectrum has not been easy for me or my alters but we found ways to make it work for us as a system.
Do you have any tips for multiple functionality? I seem to get overwhelmed and tend to lose consciousness/become unstable especially with other headmates conscious, the same time as I.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
The best tip we can offer is this, if all of your collective can read, definitely sit down with them all and let them have a chance to write notes to one another, sometimes they can't or don't communicate with one another, if you as the host have specific things you want them to respect, boundaries, rules, what have you, definitely write them out and let the alters have time to respond individually. Some tend to respond with drawing, or colors, sometimes even videos, so a note pad on a computer might help, but set limits for them, going co conscious with them can be especially draining on the host, so don't be afraid to ask them to keep in mind how long they are co conscious with you as the host, or with each other.
Lastly, definitely find a trauma specialist therapist, unfortunately where we live, that's a rarity to find one that specializes with our kind of trauma but there are some that do, psychologytoday provides a fantastically detailed filter for searches by state, nationally for psychologists available and therapists too. If you as the host are nonbinary, or LGBTQ+ focus specifically on therapists and doctors in that area of acceptance, but definitely keep up with the therapy, it helps, a lot, not just with addressing the hosts primary issues, but with each alters own issues too.
by Melrose; ; Report
Thank you so much. I use the app SimplyPlural, and so do my other friends in headspace. We are all trying.
I will have to find another therapist, I had 4, but I believe I really need another one.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
We're on a hunt for a new one ourselves, it's tough to find one that just clicks with ya, but don't give up on the search if they don't vibe with your crew.
by Melrose; ; Report
ASTR0
I'm so glad people are posting about this, the amount of accounts I've seen on here talking abt how quirky it is to be a system AND have bpd as well (two things I am personally diagnosed with) PISSES ME OFF, it's not silly or cute it's sometimes very harmful I wouldn't wish these disorders on my worst enemy.
I completely agree! As a host, it's overwhelming being part of a system, and having personality disorders/disabilities. I for one, have AuDHD and that as well makes it tough. :( Therapy is hard, I know both I and the previous host had many therapists.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
₊⊹Scott⊹₊
i study psychology and plan on writing a blog about DID and your blog was very informative, thank you!!!
ill be sure to research more in depth of course but your blog has given me ideas on what to write!
by ₊⊹Scott⊹₊; ; Report
Of course, if you want to talk more about this topic I can give you my discord. I plan to write a personal in depth essay about my experience and feelings, especially how I perceive things/live in this world.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report
DICKMAST3R
as an individual who struggles with DID, I agree. It has complicated many things, including with my parents because they don't really understand it. I've been accused of using it as an aesthetic because of a post I had made on TikTok, as if they know that from a single text/image only post. "People actually with did struggle a lot and clearly from this single post I can tell you don't"
It's always the people who don't understand thinking they have the audacity/are entitled to comment on other people, or people part of systems to downplay what they're going through. You can tell they are uneducated and just want to make their invalid point.
I am sorry you went through this, you are not alone. I hope you, and everyone else in your system is okay and safe. It is struggling, even being open about it. It's a hard topic to talk about. If you need anything, I'm here.
by Kagamine Len; ; Report