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hi blog
i've come to write about how i don't think i was wrong in my last relationship and how i was wronged by my ex. for the sake of anonymity i'm gonna call them jake
! I'M PUTTING A DISCLAIMER ON THIS ONE, DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE 18 AND OLDER !
firstly, i want to highlight how our relationship was before we were actually dating each other. we met through a mutual friend of ours on discord (this was 4-5 years ago)
mine and jake's one on one interactions were never really casual friendly chats, i don't have our chat logs anymore, but as far as i can remember, jake would almost always talk to me when they wanted to vent, or traumadump, without asking beforehand might i add. they would unload so much personal baggage, a lot of which was really awful shit that happened to them, and i had barely even gotten to know them. it did make me uncomfortable, but it felt like i was their only outlet to get this stuff off their chest to feel better, and so i didn't really confront them about it
i would rarely share stuff about myself and my own traumas, since i always feel like i'm looking for attention when i do that sort of thing (ergo, the anonymous spacehey page where i dump all of my bad thoughts and feelings so that nobody i know will ever see this stuff), but not only that, i just am not comfortable ever disclosing that stuff with others unless they explicitly ask
i didn't necessarily think we were "friend" friends, just people that knew each other and played games together, and jake dumping their stuff onto me. i didn't think we were friends because being friends requires both parties to share stuff about themselves equally, and jake was sharing a lot more stuff about themselves than i was about myself. the most i'd share was "my favorite color is orange :) i like to play games", so yea, not really friends in my eyes
not saying we didn't do anything outside of the whole "jake dumping stuff" on me, we would play games together on occasion, i don't think we ever played one on one, it was always the two of us and our mutual friend as well. again, adding onto the fact i didn't think we were really friends that much
i guess as time went on and jake shared more and more very personal things with me and i offered them advice and help to the best of my ability, they were growing more attached to me because i was like a beacon or something. not saying this to make myself sound holier than thou, i'm just trying to understand what jake saw in our "friendship" that made them develop romantic feelings for me. i think it was because i made them feel better and not for who i really was inside, seeing as they didn't get to meet who i was inside until we actually started dating
i don't have the exact date, but i'm pretty sure it was somewhere in june or july of 2022 when they messaged me on discord out of the blue, and told me they had romantic feelings for me. prior to this, i had no inkling they felt this way towards me, and i didn't feel the same (as it was later revealed i am very aromantic), not only that i still only considered us to be barely friends, the kind that only hang out once in a blue moon
i really wish i could go back and read our chat logs, but those are lost forever
i remember they asked if i felt the same way, while in real life i was kind of freaking out about this sudden profession of love. i never thought anyone would feel that way about me, and it felt good to know i was loveable to some capacity. i should've said no to them, i wish i did now. not only because it would've saved both of us a lot of trouble, but it also would've been truthful. being the people pleaser that i was though, i said yes, not wanting to disappoint or hurt them, knowing how much they've been wronged in the past, i felt bad for them, so i said yes
i think deep down i knew i didn't love them back in the same way, because i would always tell myself i'd "learn to love them" that way. weird mindset, but cut me some slack, it was my first ever relationship
that's another thing about this entire situation. before jake, the closest thing i had to a "romantic" relationship was when i was 13, with a guy that was 16-17. he was grooming me, obviously, and wanted me to move in with him and his friends. i was actually planning to do it, but then he "cheated" on me with some girl that was only a year older than i was, so i ended things with him real fast. fuck him, he was weird, i'll make an entry some day about him
but anyways, jake was my first actual relationship with someone, so i didn't know what relationships were supposed to be like. after jake confessed and i told them i felt the same, we didn't really start dating there, but we did talk to each other differently afterwards. from that day, me and jake would talk to each other every day, lovebombing each other almost constantly. jake instigated the lovebombing, so i just thought thats what relationships were like, so i reciprocated. i didn't learn what lovebombing was and how bad it can be until after we split in 2023
as the rest of the year went on, i was slowly distancing myself from the rest of my friends to talk to jake and only jake 24/7. on january 1st of 2023 they asked me if i wanted to give an official relationship a shot, so i said yes, and we started being an actual couple after new years day. lucky that our anniversary was really easy to remember
throughout our relationship, i'd constantly let jake know that this was my first experience with a relationship, and he appeared fully supportive of me. what our relationship entailed was the usual stuff in e-dating, messaging each other "good morning, my love" and asking how our days went, playing video games more often with each other in between, having fun together, it was just normal couple stuff
jake did still vent to me and stuff, and now i felt even more obligated to help them since i was their boyfriend. i had moments though where i just had to have some time to myself, and i let jake know about this. we came to an agreement, that sometimes i'd get to be alone for a week or so, and jake would have to deal with it. again, he was fully okay with this, so its not like i ghosted him or anything. the times when i had to get away were usually when i was having depressive episodes and just needed to distract myself with something that wasn't jake, because i didn't want to talk to him about my feelings out of fear of making him feel bad for me, or making him sad, since he already had so much on his plate. i just didn't want him to worry about me, so i'd shut him out for a week and come back once i felt like myself again
i'd also like to mention, between late 2022 and early 2023, i was going through some major life changes. i had been living with my biological mother from the beginning of 2022, her mental health was deteriorating because she wasn't going to therapy and she was also doing hard drugs, so i needed to move out because of fear for my life, so then in december of 2022 i moved back in with my grandma, which was a big hassle on its own because of all the stuff i owned, and my cats as well, so it was just a lot of stress and crazy shit happening. i don't remember if i told jake about any of this, though i'm pretty sure that i did since we were planning for them to come visit me while i lived with my mom, so they knew i was at least very stressed
the first month of our relationship was alright, nothing crazy or bad happened yet. i think it was around the second or third month of us being together that it started taking a turn. i think it was one of our anniversaries and i was swamped with so many other things that i was too busy to get jake a gift of some kind, and i think it made him upset, though i didn't realize anniversaries were supposed to be really, really, REALLY important, i thought it was just a cute thing to do with your partner and that it wasn't mandatory so it wasn't a big deal if you missed the opportunity
then jake started to ask me why i didn't want to share anything personal about myself like my trauma, or venting to him when i had thoughts fogging my brain. i let him know it's just how i am, how i was raised. it's still something i deal with to this day, but i was raised in fear of letting my emotions be known to others, and letting others know that i feel bad, it's a learned behavior i was taught very early on in my life. despite telling him this and how uncomfortable it made me to share my feelings unwillingly, or to be pushed on the subject, jake kept pushing me about it
now, i do also want to add this bit here. i write fanfiction, and i've done it since i was a young kid. it's always been my outlet for getting my thoughts and feelings put into words, projecting myself onto the characters i write, projecting my experiences into fiction about my favorite characters and stuff like that. i have never, not once, ever showed my writing (before 2023) to another human being other than jake, because i hold my writing very very close to my heart. if i were to post my work online and get criticized for it, it would feel like i was being personally attacked and degraded, and i would delete the fic and then my account, thats how close my writing is to me
once i had gotten more comfortable with jake, i began to show them some of my drafts, and in doing that it was my way of being intimate with them. i'm not sure if jake fully understood that, but to me, showing them my writing was more passionate and intimate than actual intercourse. thats how serious my writing is to me
they continued to push me on talking to them about the stuff that bothered me, and one night, when they were being extra adamant about it, i kind of blew up and started spewing word like a crazed maniac. i was talking about my mom and everything she'd done to me, and talking about it in such a violent and manic way only made me feel worse. i'd like to say i almost felt violated, having shouted all of that stuff at jake's insistence that i just "open up about my feelings", AGAIN even though i'd iterated and reiterated time and time again that talking about my feelings and what troubles with anyone me makes me deeply uncomfortable, that it wasn't just them i didn't open up to about my feelings, but everyone in my life as well, and that it wasn't personal, it's just how i was taught to be
jake violated my boundaries. they didn't even care. it's hard for me to remember that night because i was so out of my mind, after i'd finished shouting about my mom i went to bed, crying my eyes out because jake wouldn't leave it alone. i don't remember their response, but i do remember telling them that i felt awful for saying what i said and that i was sorry. that *i* was sorry. and they said i didn't need to be sorry, which they were correct about. it was *them* that should've been sorry.
after that it just got worse and worse. my alone times would become more frequent and longer, jake would constantly message me whenever i was away, asking me if i was okay and stuff, when i just wanted to be left alone for a while. it was at month five when jake called me on discord, saying that we needed to talk. i can't remember what exactly we talked about, i know it ended with us breaking up. we remained friends, though, and that would've proved to be a huge mistake on my part
after our initial break up, the way we acted with each other didn't really stop. we continued to act like we were a couple, jake being the only person i talked to anymore. despite our breakup, we actually became closer after that, since i felt like i didn't have to act as a boyfriend anymore, and that we were just very close friends now instead. it did turn into a friends with benefits thing, but i'm not gonna divulge into that, it was just weird
it was barely two months after we broke up that jake found someone else, this time in person. at first, it made me happy that jake had someone beside me to hang out with. though, it was only a week later that jake texted me that they had sex with each other. i won't lie, it made me jealous, because me and jake were still acting like a couple, and i believed that what we had was special
so, to avoid talking about it, i texted jake that my mom was in jail (which was true at the time, though i didn't really care that much), then i turned my phone off and didn't talk to them for a week. for that entire week, i was so confused about what i was feeling about jake and their new partner, because i hadn't been jealous like this before. i don't really know why jake even told me, because i talked about this situation with a few of my other friends, and they all agreed that it was weird to tell your ex that you "had sex with someone you met only a week ago after the two of you broke up". maybe it was a weird ploy to get back into a romantic relationship with me, like "make him jealous and he'll come crawling back" or whatever
anyways, after my week of radio silence, jake had messaged me one night "dan, i'm tired of your silence. either message me now and tell me what's wrong, or i'm leaving for good." so, that obviously scared me really bad. although, when they sent me that message, i was asleep, and i only saw it when i woke up
i immediately started to panic at the prospect of losing my closest friend, and the only person i really talked to at the time. despite jake knowing how hard it was for me to talk about stuff like that, they gave me an ultimatum that was either "stay quiet and lose my best friend for sure" or "talk about my feelings of intense jealousy and have a 50/50 chance of losing my best friend", so i obviously chose the latter option
god, reliving this moment in my head is already making me weak in the knees and my hands shake as i type this out. this situation really fucked me up
i told jake that i thought my feelings were very irrational, and that i shouldn't be feeling them (even though i was pretty valid, in my opinion) and so i then spent the next thirty minutes typing up a long winded message about my feelings towards jake and their new partner that they met a week prior. i hit send and i braced for impact, feeling oddly hopeful that they'd understand my plight
of course, i was wrong. i can't type jake's response verbatim (obviously), but the basic jist of their response was "this is disgusting, i'm disappointed in you" and it just. broke me
after all the years i'd spent in fear of sharing my feelings, fear because i'd be shut down for my feelings, fear because i'd be rejected for my feelings, fear for being degraded and belittled, fear that i had made very very clear to jake. and he just reinforced it ten fold. the most important person in my life at the time, reinstating my fear of being open with others about my feelings. it felt worse than a knife to the gut. i'd have rather taken a knife to the gut honestly, than had to have lived through what jake did to me.
so, with tears blurring my vision, adrenaline pumping through my veins, fear wracking my bones, and my emotions clouding my judgement, i shakily typed and sent "i don't fucking care. you asked."
and then that was it. we cut off contact with each other after that. it was one of the worst moments of my life, feeling like all of my worst fears were true. this event has made it increasingly hard for me to accept myself, to care about myself, to love myself, to feel like i actually matter and that others care about me. but y'know, if none of this happened, i wouldn't have seeked therapy, so that's cool. i guess.
a couple of months after we stopped talking to each other, i did reach out to jake on a different platform and typed out a weird guilt trippy message to try and make them feel bad, which in turn got me blocked, but it's whatever i kinda deserved it
but it's been a very long and annoying and hard process to try and untangle the mess i am. i feel like i'm getting better, but it's very slow
anyway, i revoke my apology i sent to them earlier this year. i wasn't in the wrong, and i didn't need to apologize ^_^ fuck you, jake
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