Journal #11

His arms are like forgiveness. That moment when he pulls me close to him and lets me nuzzle into the crook of his neck is a breath of air under water. It's like eating a warm meal after a day of going hungry. 

Perhaps my inability to forgive myself stems not only from letting him down, but myself down too. I can't do anything without making it a million times more difficult for myself including loving someone. I'd love him if he married someone else. I'd love him if he never marries at all. And I'd love him if he marries me if only to pretend I'm that pretty girl he met down south (he can pick whichever I don't care). And in letting him do so I'd betray myself and I'd allow it. Isn't that frightening? Isn't that just the worst? 

Of course I'm selfish of you, you're the only person who's ever looked at me like I was human, like I was something more than a disappointment or a disaster waiting to happen. You're the only one who's ever put effort into loving me. Of course I'd fight others for you. I'd fight the world if I had to. I'd betray myself if I had to. I'd learn to sleep alone if I had to. You are the most beautiful person to me and if not you, I'll die lonely both by choice and circumstance. I just beg you don't betray yourself for something that isn't love like every other person I've met does. I hope you never need to love someone the way I do, desperate, clingy, like the moment I look away you won't be there. And I know you tell me if only I knew I wouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I can't help it, honey. And I know you'll never read this. I know, but maybe if I write it down I'll get the words right the next time we get blackout drunk in your car. And maybe if I just become better you'd want to marry me. I don't wanna hurt anyone really I just didn't know what else to say to convince you that I love you more than anyone else. I'm just tired, my love, I'm so tired of being the other woman. I'm so tired of being a choice you might never make. I want you to hold me in a way so that neither of us want to be selfish. I know I'm not you're dream and I might never be your dream, but please don't let me go. I'll die trying just don't let me go. Stay with me. Don't look at anyone else. Let me do the dirty work of getting what you want so you can get it from me. Anything at all. Just don't leave. 

I know this is pathetic and vapid and I might forget when it comes down to it and I'm being dramatic, but God I just want to feel sure of some aspect in my life. And I want it to be him.