Journal #10

God I cannot stand myself. I cannot stand my words or actions and neither can those around me. I should send myself off to some mental hospital somewhere and rot away or something I don't even care. I wish I thought before I spoke then I wouldn't hurt his feelings. He's the sweetest boy and I'm just the worst. It's no wonder he wouldn't marry me. 

He told me not to hurt myself out of the blue last night so I'm not gonna even though the feeling's returned really bad. That's the least I can do to make it up to him I guess. 

I don't wanna wake up today I just want to stay in bed and rot like I did yesterday. I dreamt my dad was proud of me for reals and didn't just say that so I won't hate myself. I bullshitted some random reason why they caught me crying because if they knew it was because I loved him so much, they would think I'm stupider than I already am. I don't think I want to do anything today. I don't really deserve it, I think. 

I'll probably just work on whatever stupid story I'm writing just to finish it. He said he forgives me and it's alright and that he believes I love him, but I can't forgive myself when I screw everything up so easily. He doesn't know how painful it is to fight for someone who wouldn't do it back and while I was jealous in the moment, I'm really glad he doesn't know what that feels like. He's such a beautiful person he should never know what unrequited love feels like. He should never know the endless sleepless nights and the self sabotaging and the sabotaging of others I really hope I can just be better so he'll never know of it. I really hope he never feels how I feel all the time. I really hope he knows I love him more than my own self preservation and not only would I fight others, I'd fight myself if he wanted me to. He just doesn't so I don't. Like right now, my punishment is only no food til I'm starving and no sunlight for today. 

It's as stupid as it is disturbing, but I try not to raise any weapon on myself because it just feels too good physically. It feels almost the same as a loving touch and that scares me more than if it just hurt. I threw out all my pencil sharpeners after what happened in January anyway so it's not like I even have the option. 

Please be better than me to the one you love. Tell them they're worth everything and mean it. Don't ever end up like me I'm begging you.