cloudy

it's cloudy outside! i've noticed that in the past few years, i started hating cloudy days. i remember loving them before, especially becuz of the usual heat where i live, but now i don't like them. T_T they make me especially gloomy.

i didn't write in this blog for a bit. i wanted to, but i couldn't find much to say. i'd start writing and then delete the draft. i didn't want to write another sad entry . .. .... which is ironic becuz here i am :p

i find that what i am most passionate about makes me the most depressed. i can't love something without being afraid in engaging in it. i loved to write and now i'm terrified of how my writing is perceived. my voice is loose and unsure, crumbling to reveal my deepest insecurities.

i remember in eighth grade, i put off a major essay for the longest time. i refused to do it, i couldn't start working on it without feeling major anxiety, and it took a lot of intervention from my teacher and my mom for me to finally finish it. i used to love writing. i made shitty quotev fanfictions and relished in every chance at writing for school that i got. my love for writing is hidden away somewhere in my body, caged behind insecurities and fears, and it's painful digging around for it. tearing into veins and flesh, wildly and blindly looking around. i haven't lost myself, it's all within me, but i don't know where to look.

i want to be happier, i want to feel more sure of myself. i don't want to feel this dull, persistent anxiety anymore. i want to be confident in myself.

it's lonely. but not. it's miserable. but not.

i've been trying, at least, to feel better. i've been walking outside at night with my dad, i've been eating better than before, i try to challenge myself to socialize. it's been nice some days. 

i know happiness is accessible to me. it's just taking a while for me to get a decent grip on it.