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Journal #9

There's nobody home. Whether I'm small enough to fit in someone's arms or big enough that they push me away, that never really changes. My head hurts so bad and I'm so hungry but God I don't want to eat. 

I hate myself which is the worst of it all. I don't blame anyone for what they said to me last night I feel like I'm responsible for it all. I'm a fucking loser. I don't have anything to offer him why the hell did I let myself get delusional enough to think he'd marry out of love. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not some exception he made he began loving me out of pity I'm sure of it, there's no other reason anyone would ever want me around. He said sweet things to me to make up for it but it's all white noise to me. All I remember him saying is that he'd marry some Canadian bitch for the citizenship I hate myself. I hate myself so much for just not being enough or right or anything more than a nuisance on people.

I didn't mean for it to happen, but my parents caught me crying which means they called me a disappointment and wanted to take him away from me by sending me to a psychward. They can take anything from me just don't take him please. I know he doesn't want me but he lets me pretend and that's enough for me most nights. God I hate myself for letting them find out I was drinking. They can't accept me for my emotions or actions. If they knew half of my love for him, they'd kick me out out of fear. I woke up to my dad yelling and now nobody's home not even Maureen. I don't even want to call him over. I just want to be alone. 

I don't care about anything anymore I think. I don't have it in me to anymore. I'm so fucking tired. And I'll cut off that stupid Canadian if that's what it takes to narrow things more. I don't care. 


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