Log 002: I love her

I should really actually attempt to post more. I write things but I never end up posting them even though this is supposed to be my place to talk about myself and my thoughts. I hope it makes sense but I always feel a little embarrassed whenever I’m posting about myself. Being perceived is very paralyzing for me for whatever reason.

I realize perhaps I could use this space to talk about embarrassing things, because I have no reason to believe those close to me will see what tu have to say and tease me for it or even know about it. I get especially anxious when those close to me see things I like or things I talk about or how I interact with others in an online space. I of course don’t do anything bad, I hate making people feel bad so it’s nothing like that, but I am just petrified at the thought of being perceived.

I wish to talk about someone I love. Maybe I could use this space to speak about her more often. 

I wish I knew the reason as to why I’m so infatuated, it’s been months yet the sight of her still makes me weak. Her voice sounds so heavenly. Just the thought of her makes my heart become a supernova. I become so enraged with myself because there are no words in my vocabulary accurate enough to describe her in a way that I truly feel. What I feel is deeper what I feel is intense, I never thought some could feel this strongly about a person. 

She’s everything I could ever desire, everything I could ever imagine. Why must she be so far from me, separated by land, and sea, and time? Time in years I must wait to meet her, years I must wait to finally look into her eyes and hold her hand in mine. God, the thought of her eyes staring back into mine, how her eyes would hold the same beauty as labradorite. When our hands would at last intertwine, there’s so much to imagine. How would her hands feel? How big are they compared to mine. How would they feel against my hands? My fingertips? Would she too have clammy hands from being so nervous? Does she know just how enamored I am for her? Does she know just how long I would have been waiting for that moment? Does she know that for the rest of my life I’ll be thinking of that moment? Does she too play these scenarios in her head?

I understand the consequences of this kind of love. It could tear me apart and I accept it. Her love is worth it, for her anything is worth it.