hung over (?)

Yesterday I went out with my fresh friends. We went cupcake decorating (lol) and then headed to the club which was dead so we went to the other club which was only slightly less dead, and while we were there it gradually picked up. One of the girls who was with us was called Hannah, I only met her that night and she was telling me how she's struggling bc of her bf and her parents not being able to cope with her being away. I was like man I feel that, and I told her how Kate's going through a v similar thing. We related over imagining what it'd be like to jump in the river and die there because we can't swim. She seemed real. 

Then at the club once things picked up this crackhead joined our dance circle - he literally told one of the guys we were with that "tonight's [his] last time ever taking crack"... ok buddy.

He freaked us all out a bit but especially Hannah bc she eventually just crashed against the wall and was crying - the girls took her away eventually and back home in an uber. We later found out she had been spiked with ket. Maya told me it was terrifying, apparently she couldn't see at first (in the club), and then back home her eyes kept on rolling back like an exorcism. They took her to hospital and she eventually recovered and apparently all that's left of the symptoms is a headache. I felt so guilty for not helping her out though. I literally felt so useless the entire time - I was next to her when she began to feel funny but I really didn't know what the do - like .. hug her? hold her? speak to her? what if she just wants to be left alone? and how do I do any of this without seeming really fake and contrived? - like I barely know her, you know? But either way girl code is girl code and I don't think I lived up to it at all last night. To give myself grace, Lily (who took most care of her) is in a flat with her, and Maya had met her before, and is also a post-grad, so maybe she kinda knew what to do. But still, I felt shitty. 

Instead of helping her out I went back to Charlie's flat with him and the guys, before she asked for the other 2 guys to come see her (she was friends w them both), and then it was just me and Charlie. Now this makes the whole situation feel even scummier, right?  -- Meanwhile my 2 closest fresh friends (Lily and Maya) are worrying their heads off taking care of this girl who's been fucking spiked probably by some crackhead, I'm off being lovey with some fresher back at his flat. 

Not surprising for me, is it?? 

So I lowkey hate myself, even though I really don't think there was much I could've done to help, I just felt so useless and hypocritical. I'm always talking about putting others first and trying to define what is and isn't "scummy" behaviour - why don't I practise what I preach??? aaaaha hadnanmjfmwnfkjwen not fun]cking funnyyyyy

And today again, Ellie's ill - I had no idea she was ill. There was a knock on the door and Amelie comes in looking for her flat cap (Durham), and asks if Ellie's in - I'm like "yea she's in her room", and Amelie goes in and it turns out she'd been asleep because she's ill. She must've been ill for a while now because for the past few days she's basically not left her room. And I didn't even put two and two together!! I really just thought she was getting such bad hangovers from going out (bc she has been leaving in the evenings) --- so again, I just felt useless and awkward and fucking obtuse. It took Amelie driving in from the other side of town for me to figure out the girl I live with is fucking ill. 

It's like, I don't know how to care for people, or I'm too afraid to care for people, you know? I think as a kid I always dealt with stuff alone, so nobody really showed me what comforting looks like - then as I grew up I always tried to deal w stuff alone out of habit, and also never tried to help others bc 1) I assumed they didn't want my help and 2) I rlly didn't even know what that kind of reassurance looked like. Or if I did I always thought it seemed a bit contrived and exaggerated. Like, if I was upset and a teacher or an aunt tried to hug me or talk to me or something I always had this mindset of "go away, you don't actually care", and any time I (later in life) tried to help others, I felt like I was somehow lying to them as well.

 And the thing is I've grown to realise that it rlly does help to have someone comfort you even if they can't help, and I've gotten to a point where I feel horrible if I don't actively reach out to try and help, but I don't know how to do any of it. It always feels like some pathetic shallow act that everyone can see right through.