Artist Life

Ugh... Being an artist feels like a mental battle sometimes like omg... Like props to the ones who can consistently FINISH a piece in a day. Mentioning that because of inktober yk.

Me personally, I have inattentive ADHD and I have to hype myself up and make sure my brain doesn't start registering drawing like a chore nowadays which is soooo not it. Like, back in middle school and highschool where, drawing was the distraction my ADHD would turn to and I'd be drawing stuff so effortlessly. I don't like when drawing starts feeling like a chore. I love making art for myself and I've been trying to share it more, but having to shove down the thoughts of "oh this ain't nothing, this won't get a lot of likes, I need to hurry up and finish this so I can share it" IT'S SUCH A PAIN.  

Like I've become so nitpicky and it's the worst, because YEAH I wanna get better, but not at the cost of losing my passion for art. I'm just ranting tbh, but it's whatever. And then when I start over planning on what I want to draw, I don't draw it. Like I'll have this idea that I LOVE and then when I barely start, I can already hear my thoughts nagging and nagging at me. "Let's stop, it won't come out any good, who would like this?" Meh meh meh meh, yada yada yada UGH! 

Consider this hate mail to the evil voices in my head, because art is one of the few things that I've been actively doing for years. I wanna be a better, I want to make art good and bad, idc, I just don't wanna stop, BUT THESE VOICES. 

I try to expand my lore and story building for my characters... motivation? YOINK! And forget actually writing any stories for my ocs. I started taking it too seriously I think, putting it on a pedestal, like drawing was this super important task that decided my value as a human being an artist. This imaginary illusion that I was no good if I couldn't draw anything, couldn't post, couldn't display what I was so proud of. It was like as soon as I hit a stop and the urge to draw became too heavy to the point I could barely move my own pen. I'm thinking... What happened to the joy? The creativity? The whimsy? The imagination? The lack of shame and lack of restriction to create what you want ? IT'S NOT FAIR!

Semi off topic, but I absolutely hate when people in fandoms who hate on normal cringe that has been apart of fandoms FOR YEARS. Do those people know how much that cringe inspires people? Letting loose? Having fun? Not caring about the quality because artists are literally making their dreams appear on a screen/paper??? So many artists have grown and expended their skill by making all the cringey oc x canon ships, self inserts, Mary Sue's etc. like bro??? Those voices sound just like those people who are allergic to joy and whimsy. I sound off my rocker right now probably, but idc, I'm blogging this to get this off my chest like I'm screaming into the ocean.

I want to enjoy my passion, I want the voices to zip it, I want to enjoy my cringe that inspires me to create more, grow more, expand more. I want to weave my own dreams, my precious thoughts. I don't want to draw to cater to people, I want to draw for me, I want to create for me, I want to be able to give myself grace, I want any form of self deprecation to drown in the darkest depths of the sea for myself and any struggling artists. I want my creative freedom without restrictions. I want to be excited to open a new canvas, I want to be exited to draw no matter what I have, brushes don't matter, likes to don't matter, outside opinions don't matter. This is MY hobby, MY joy, MY sadness, MY anger, MY passion, MY love, MY escape, MY dreams. It is everything and nothing to me.