I lie awake at night thinking about if i should have stayed

I wish i had never got on that fucking plane back home. the only person who has ever actually loved me i left for a stupid ass school. I keep getting myself into relationships just to ruin how they have thought of me before they really got to know me. I understand why im single but if the intentions in my heart are good why do they keep hurting people. If i stayed I would have had everything for me. I wouldn't be hurting myself and others the way i am. I don't know why i'm this way and i don't know how to stop. it fucking sucks to hurt someone you love so much but not understanding why my actions hurt them or how to read them before. it fucking sucks.