writing how i feel

hi, tonight i'm going to try make an essay about how i'm feeling because i feel like i've got no one to tell this too, ik no one will read it so i'll just try to take these things out of me since there's a pain on my chest that won't let me breathe

these months i'm feeling terribly alone. and the worst part is that i don't even understand why. i changed schools and since then my friends and i haven't talked so much, but that was already happening way before summer even started. i kind of always felt a bit off with some of them and as if they weren't really the people i wanted to be around since some things they've done, and i feel terribly guilty and bad after saying that but it's the truth and i really wish it wasn't. 

but i have a best friend, jaime, and he has always been so caring and gentle to me, ever since we reconnected last year, after losing contact bc of distance. well, many months ago he got a girlfriend when i was alone, and he distanced himself a bit from me, but i didnt judge him as i understood that he didn't mean it and he felt different from all the friends i've had, he felt genuine and pure and gave me a love i hadnt recieved from anyone that way. well, everything started going downhill with his gf and he only texted me when bad stuff happened. i didn't put guilt on him for that but i felt bad bc when things were good i didn't know anything about him since he didn't text. well, things got so much worse when they broke up. i thought he would be closer to me because that's what he said, and came around many times that week... well, a lot happened and i got very mad bc i felt betrayed that my own best friend was forgetting about me. he promised me he'd be texting me more and many things, but it never happened

now he's got other friends and i never know anything from him anymore, we were going to meet up last week but a mess happened and we couldnt 

i haven't fully healed from the trauma and severe depression i got when my girlfriend left me last year. that was the most terrible time of my life, 8 months that i don't even want to bring up since even remembering it makes me ache. but i realized that i already suffer from it and i'm having trouble with it, even if she's back now and everything i fought for happened, i got everything i wanted, and i deserve it.

i don't feel strong at all and instead, i feel ridiculous and i don't know why, maybe it is because i don't wanna seem week, maybe i think i need to be strong and not weak to keep her in my life, even if she says such things to me it makes me cry of happiness. i feel very stupid sometimes and i'm craving an "i'm proud of you" for so so so long now.

maybe hearing that from another person would help me separate the past from here and realize that i've been so strong and i've passed all of that on my own, that i'm finally able to rest and live in peace, but, if i write it here, why can't i believe it?

i don't know man, i'm so tired

today i'm sick and i've been waiting to talk to her, as i usually text her at 19/19:30, but she responded 2 hours later, we had a little conversation and she said she had to go do homework and many other things..

i post it here because i know nobody will ask me about it and i'll have to keep it all to myself and go to sleep since she's busy (which hurts but, what else can i do). i kinda feel abandoned but i know she's going througj a rough time and maybe she doesnt know how to manage it.

anyways, my rat chloe is almost dying and i've been having an awful week because of that, i'm the one taking care of her all the time and the one doing everything. 

my dad got mad at me again because that's the relationship we have and i don't even want to talk about how much of a shitty son he's always made me feel. i'm so exhausted and my chest hurts so much

these days are being awful but i always try to see the bright side of them and be positive, i'll still do it for myself even if there's a miserable ambience at home or whatever, i'll continue to be with myself because if there's no one else i'll have to do it.

i'm not going to have a panic attack tonight 

i won't.