Journal #7

I really suck when it comes down to self assurance or convincing myself I'm really worthy of anything I have. It doesn't matter how good things have been, if I find so much as something to perceive as bad, my mind takes it and runs until it's out of breath or blatantly proven wrong. I really do wish I could get genuine mental health help to learn how to live with such awful anxiety and all the weird issues brought up by it, but alas, I'm still too young to live on my own terms. Too dumb, too. 

I think sometimes that he may be right when he said I was the only girl he'd choose, but other times I'm not so sure. No matter what way I look at it, I'm probably the farthest from his type possible. I've dull brown hair to match a pair of empty eyes, I've tanned skinned, and I've a small chest that disappears whenever a t-shirt is thrown onto me. There are some days now where I feel pretty, but I still feel unsure most days. Especially when I'm not really seen as a girl. I'm never one to worry much about fitting in gender-wise (or at all anymore for that matter), but I still find it frustrating that I feel less like a girl whenever I look or talk to any. Makes me feel lesser in general. But it's not typical envy, I think. I just wish that I myself was more like them when it comes to my body, they can keep everything else. Maybe that is envy and I just don't know. 

He makes me feel pretty, though. He tells me I am and he proves what he means which is the very first time anyone has even accomplished that. Thinking about things he's said sweetly to me usually dissolves any of this envy and I feel like I'm most certainly a woman. Perhaps this is also one of the many reasons why I find it difficult to believe in myself, because the moment I feel like he no longer thinks so I'm in complete and utter shambles. 

I feel much better and more confident in myself as a person compared to so much as eight months ago which is nice, but the areas in which I feel I'm lacking seem to get larger as the other aspects of myself which I hated shrink. Here's a secret for you: I'm not very smart. I space out a lot, I forget things, I fumble words when talking to others, I can't articulate ideas if I have to verbalize them, I'm dreadful when it comes to math, I talk long and often, I don't catch the hint when someone's joking to me or not, I take people's words at face value, I never seem to learn from my mistakes, I can't be trusted with something as simple as feeding a pet fish, I can't drive, I get scared and freeze completely when someone's upset with me, I need a great deal of reassurance always, I'm clingy, I don't know how to cross the street without almost getting hit, I don't remember directions or names of metro platforms, I'm bad with money, I spill my drink almost every time, and I'm reckless in the worst ways if it will get someone to like me. And that's not even the half of it. I know when it comes down to intellectually or capabilities, I'm definitely, utterly, absolutely, without a shadow a doubt, completely, stupidly, farthest from his dream woman. 

She gets things done. She has an idea and makes it come to life right in the palm of her hand. Her word is law. She's cunning. She takes care of work for him sometimes. She knows how to kill a man in sixty seven different ways and get away with it. She can handle her drinks. She knows how to socialize well. She makes the first move sometimes instead of shying away. That's not me. 

I think I'm just being hard on myself again and writing all this out was an excuse to do so because now that I'm reading it out I feel utterly exhausted. I know I don't need to be all those things, but the problem is I'd like to be and sooner than later at that. I just don't know how to get smarter. I feel like my intelligence level has capped at that of a stupid animal's. We're both aware of just how stupid and incapable I really am which is why I'm glad he doesn't overestimate me most days. Sometimes, when it comes to talking to new people, I'd rather not do it because it's just another person to disappoint. But I do it anyway because without practice, I'll really be bad at it and they never stick around so it's low risk. I'd feel rather sorry for them if they did want to be friends. I don't know how to break it to them I've got nothing much to offer and they don't stick around much when they realize that all I've got to give em is my silly art, access to a bunch of random manga, and whatever little else I can do to make someone comfortable for a short visit. 

This is a rather miserable entry. I don't want to think about any of this any longer and I've got class to attend, so I'm not. Maybe I'll draw or read instead and pretend I'm anyone else for a little while until I feel like being me again. But before I go, let me briefly touch on the point of this entry. When I feel down, no amount of reassuring myself does any good. I know hyperfocusing on one bad aspect leaves you out of focus when it comes to the good, but whenever I look at the picture as a whole, I just remember more bad stuff until I've spiraled again. So I've just got to find other ways of dealing with this that doesn't involve being still or thinking in any capacity or having a brain entirely. Ok farewell.