hello mountain rose out there can you hear me are you safe

sweet blessing made its way out for me this morning

took me. shook me. i almost gave in. 

and then my roommate locked herself out

just like i did

and i let her in

i should go on a hike! get lost as they say. get lost. go away. we don't want you anymore, okay!

i'll hike to the very top of the cliffs. and then i will look down at the water. it will be so beautiful. my friend will be there. i'll hold their hand and say, look, life is worth living now. look, look, look! life is worth living. 

i should go and live in a small english town. i can learn to fly a plane. i can do everything.

melody took my breath away

because i made it up

then i gave in...

laid on the floor like that for days. wasn't pretty. a little scary.

but then my grades all came back failing

and my food all started rotting

and i thought, god, this can't get any worse!

and then, and then, and then... it did

i called everyone and they all said GO AND KILL and they said MAKE A MOVE and they said GET WELL SOON and they said GET ON WITH IT and they said ANGER AND DEATH ANGER AND DEATH

and i said no thanks! i'll go hiking. 

my mom said, travel the world!

i said, okay mom. with my few pennies.

my friend said, not my fault you don't know the worth.

my brain said, not anyone's fault but my own.

my life said, not anyone's fault.

i said, okay fine fine fine fine. 

i said, no more waiting! 

i said, hello!!!!

...

sometimes i think i can see the future. i've predicted it. i close my eyes and i see... but sometimes it just doesn't work.

but i saw the great big garden. i saw the handmade blankets. i saw the warm couches. and i saw the roaring laughter. i saw the wonderful smiles. i saw pictures on the wall. i saw it all. 

and one day the visions went away. something terrible grew in my heart. the feeling of dread... it grew and grew and grew. what is this? i asked. but all i could do was bear it. 

somehow, it slowly dissipated. 

...

the other night i went into the park and sat myself down near a great big rock. this is it, i said. i dug my hands into the dirt and i went deeper and deeper within. my hands went through sand and clay and dirt and all kinds of minerals. once the rhythm felt stable, i suddenly stopped. i looked up and i could barely see the sky from the hole i had put myself in. then, the dirt started falling on top of me. i thought, wow, i should feel bad about this. but i let it happen. surely if the heavens and skies above wanted me to get buried alive, it wouldn't be a bad thing. so i lay there, i even curled into a ball. i let the cool earth bury me slowly. at first, it was nice, like a nice weight on me. then, i realized i couldn't breathe with this dirt. it started to crush my ribcage and my lungs. it got in my mouth and it was all i could taste. but it was okay. i closed my eyes let it happen. i mean, i was the one that started digging. really, it was fate.

how wonderful it is to feel anything at all.