My free trial gym membership ends Thursday which absolutely sucks, but it's only Tuesday today so everything's all right. I'm thinking about ditching class today to go to the gym and while I'd scold anyone else for being so irresponsible, I think I need it.
I'm just so done with uni and homework and anything else regarding it I feel so burnt out and midterms haven't even hit I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do about the club I joined either, but I think that's more about the people in it than the club responsibilities. I'll figure out gmail as I work with it and I just hope everyone else is patient with me because I'm rather slow when it comes to literally anything.
It wasn't always this way and I guess I've been thinking about it this morning though it doesn't do me much good. I grew up the "gifted kid" and basically excelled at everything so much so, most of my work was extra credit because I'd finish an assignment as soon as I got it. But the second I switched schools for fifth grade, everything tanked and I was a C student on a good day. I feel like I was robbed of something or lied to about something big everyone else was in on, but I don't know why. I mean, in uni I've been getting straight A's, but it's just a matter of turning something in I don't feel like I'm learning anything. That's definitely what's pissing me off I think, that this familiar feeling of empty A's has returned. I know I've been complaining about it a lot, but I can't help feel stuck by something that takes away a bunch of my time and energy.
I drank a lot Sunday night and as I was lying in bed, I felt a sudden wave of pity for the girl in Friday's class. Do I hate her work? Sure. Do I hate her for taking up the seat directly in front of me even though there's only seven people total in class? Yeah. But when I really thought about it, I realized she was probably in the same boat I was but never had that wake up call: that you're only as gifted as the people around you. All she'd probably ever known was mainstream booktok/romance stuff or fanfiction written by twelve year olds and thinking it was easy, went into it out of disinterest for anything in general. I don't know. I don't know her story. Maybe she doesn't have one to tell which is why she writes what she does I don't know. That's why I was angry, because I couldn't speak my mind in a room where everyone has to disguise their words with hallow compliments or words of reassurance. The people there are looking to get support on their work where I'm searching for genuine criticism and constructive dialogues about the techniques of good storytelling, no wonder I was (and am) so frustrated. It's like walking into a sushi bar looking for a pet fish.
I think I will ditch today. It would be easier to ditch Thursday for a five day weekend, but I'm not looking for that. I'm looking to go see him and swim with him and forget anyone else on this planet exists apart from the two of us. And maybe catch a glimpse of him without a shirt as a bonus... (,,¬𓎟¬,,)
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