Poison

Life update:

So, im not going to lie, also let me start with this. I made a rough blog three months ago and I'm not sure if anyone even saw it, but it was awful. Disorganized and jumbled. The most recent blog i made besides this one is more of the vibe i want for these upcoming blogs.

Anyway, back to not lying. Life hasnt been easy. For anyone struggling with suicidal ideation and self harm i wanna say that i know how fucking hard it can be a lot of the time. Self harm becomes an escape when im not mindful of consequences.

Relationship wise ive had lots of weird patches here and there haha. I did something super embarrassing recently and i cant stop laughing at myself when im at school. Ive been distracting myself with a lot of things recently though. Especially gardening. God i love to garden.

I take good care of my plants. I personally have 2 of my own and i recently bought some flower bulbs to plant so im very excited for that.

Ive been keeping in touch with my ALL of best friends and ive gotten to hang out with them recently. It makes me pretty apathetic to have such good times with my friends but i still go home and feel a sense of worthlessness.

I dont know where these feeling come from. Suicide has been a thought on my mind that i push away at all costs but all the planning has become alarming. It feels as though i have two sides of my brain. Rational and irrational. The rational side keeps me from hurting myself and letting go. The irrational sends me down spirals and chasing after things that hurt me and people who dont care about me.

One night i was extremely upset and was home alone and looking for the escape button. I dont know what i wouldve done if my father hadnt taken his gun with him, but the person in my head said he only would have held it. I know these thoughts and emotions are harmful and i think thats why im still here. Im self aware and i dont want to die. There is just a part of me always telling me to give in and stop trying. Always.

Bruised arms are less noticeable than cut ones. I have therapy this Thursday and i doubt itll be good. Writing doesnt really feel good. Im tired though. If anyone sees this you should go check out my art. My art acc is linked on here. I doubt anyone’s actually read this far hahaha.

If you have, thanks and why not dm me?

CLA3D0UGH