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Journal #5

Alice Munro was so right when she wrote her story "Passion." Intimacy is not just limited to sex or even conventional ways like kissing or hugging. It's when we walk slowly to match each other's pace. It's when he sticks his tongue out after cracking a joke. It's when I read things off of signs for him when he can't see them from far away. It's the little things. 

Up until I met him, I believed quality time was my main love language and that I absolutely despised being touch. Even as a young girl, I would move away from any form of touch from even my mom and dad. When ever my Ex would reach for me in public, I'd (for lack of a better word) cringe to Hell and back. I hated it. But oh God, at night how I yearned to be held by someone I had no name for. I was so confused as to why I wanted to be loved in that way, but hated when anyone I knew would do it. Turns out it's my main love language and I was unconsciously unwilling to let anyone but the one I was in love with touch me. 

However sweet, it did mean I took when he'd pull away much too personally. It wasn't until we talked about it that I came to realize it just wasn't one of his that I got it and learned he really didn't do it out of disinterest. There's intimacy in understanding too. But goodness, when he reaches for me it's like a cure for an ailment I've had all my life. It's like waking up to the warm sun after winter. While it's not his love language, I'm grateful he doesn't mind me clinging to him like I do. You'd think we'd been glued together in some horrific glue gun accident. I love it. 

I have a quiz retake I can only take tomorrow at like four in the morning. Uni is becoming such a pain. I don't know if it's some form of senioritis or class on Friday, but I'm growing so so very tired of every aspect of it. I thought it couldn't get much worse than it was a couple of years ago when I felt sickening lonely, but it's starting to piss me off something great. And that's not even getting into the whole club thing. We haven't solidified a day or time, but I cannot do Fridays, they're for him. I want to be secretary. I want to work with others on something I'm so passionate about, but honestly Friday's class has completely depleted all my hope in others here. My initial worry was that other girls in the club would come to ostracize me which would just be an awfully familiar fate. But now my greatest fear is that the whole club is just going to be one glorified "workshop" and I won't receive any real feedback on my work. I don't know why connecting with others is so incredibly difficult to me. I don't feel I'll get anything out of college at this rate, not even connections in the industry at the very least. I'm so terrible at talking with others. I'm grateful when he helps me, but without him, all my efforts are futile. 

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself again. I do want to make an effort and next time we go out to drink, I'll ask others if they want to join in even if I don't know how. I'm not sure how to end this so I'll just sign off here. Thank you so much for reading.


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