ballet and what it did to me and my girlhood

i danced for around 8 years before quitting, my entire self was based on my ability to perform in my early teenage years, but it changes your body and breaks you down in a way where it ruins you. for twice a week from ages 6-14 i danced, no matter where i was there was a single constant, it formed some of my oldest relationships and earliest friends, i learnt how to be human around others in my classes.

it was good, for the most part. most places, the older girls always gave you a few tips - a few things to keep you going, keep you awake, keep you a little less stressed. it's a part of the culture, addiction is an ugly thing, and it's a thing i'll always think of when i see the soft pastels of a tutu. feeling yourself crack both from the excursion but also from being afraid to dissapoint.

it made a people pleaser, which later on in my life caused more greif than good inorder to break. old habits die hard, i'm not good at breaking routine - maybe thats the training, maybe it's the autism, i'll never know.

has it strained my relationships? for sure, theres really only one person who's seen me through all of this and stayed, never once doubting that i'd get better and make up for my mistakes.

theres not a single period of my early childhood where i can think of a time i wasn't in dance wear, where my feet weren't making friction against the cold flooring of a studio. theres parts of me that miss it, the nostalgia and familiarity of it. dancing doesn't care if i haven't texted back in a certain amount of time and it doesn't need a certain amount attention from me to feel better.

its the only thing i've been able to fully commit to.