yooo!!

id just like to share some things ive learned so far. on my journey to a better life :)

forgiveness for your motivation (what i learned)

the key to recovery is forgiveness. when i felt depressed, i was attaching my feelings to my character. like "im so lazy, why cant i get up?" or "why am i always choosing to be sad?"

but depression is like a sickness. a parasite that is sucking the life out of you.it makes you do things that you truly dont want to do and it skews your vision on what you truly want or what you truly like. 

my depression took everything from me, and it tells me things i know arent true, deep down.

when you start thinking like that, when you stop thinking of it as YOU and rather IT, you can start seeing clearly. you'll eventually WANT to recover, one way or another- as this is human nature.

maybe, like me, you'll attach onto something to live for to help with that.

even something small and stupid, like you want to live long enough to make a cool Halloween costume or go to your dream concert, or maybe something broader like wanting to live long enough to make it to your dream college-- whatever the case may be--  you'll try to complete that goal by working towards it, whether that be your emotional health or skills needed for that goal.

and I failed many times at even WANTING to recover. but forgiveness is key. some days you will wake up feeling terrible, other days will be more manageable. some times it will come and go and some times you'll be at the top of the earth.

being kind to yourself is the most important thing. no more bad self talk. 

when i do something now, instead of saying "im so stupid" or "why did i do that", i say "no. its okay. It's okay that I said this, or did this, or i made a mistake. im proud that i know i did something wrong, and im going to let it go". Because you cant change the past. trying to worry over something that already happened is what makes it worse. let that moment pass.

Even if your in the wrong in your mind. Forgive yourself. Because if you can't forgive yourself, how can other people forgive you?

That doesnt mean your skipping your accountability. It means you be easier on yourself from time to time. 

even now, normalcy feels so far away. i dont see any light at the end of my tunnel of recovery. but thats all okay. trying a little bit every day is fine. 

and ever since ive felt depressed, my biggest stress is my "laziness". I hated feeling lazy. I felt so inspired to be hard working like every around me, yet i couldnt find it in me to be at their level. but trying your best is what you can manage. they taught me that my best isnt a certain amount, rather a scale depending on the day. dont compare yourself to other people. your best is YOUR best.

even five minutes is important. two seconds, two minutes, two hours. just try doing something you LIKE to do. or you NEED to do.

when i get depressed i cant do things i love or things i need to do. I just rot and procrastinate. it felt terrible to fall back into rotting and feeling guilty over it, leading to more negativity and depression.

 but forgiveness is KEY. its okay to rot. dont linger on it, even if you feel guilty. forgive yourself. for your emotions and feelings. tell yourself its NOT your fault. YOU are not doing this, your depression is making you "sick". Even if it feels like its all your fault, thats all okay. Just try your best now, and you will get the results you want. don't think, just keep going.

don't beat yourself up if you need some more rest or more time. thats all okay. 

I know it's hard to have the motivation to get started doing tasks when your depressed, and keep doing it. But taking the first step is huge. So be proud of yourself when you do, even if the first step may be something you repeat multiple times. 

As everyone says, recovery isnt a linear battle.

It took me a long time to truly internalize this. Don't worry if this doesn't fully comfort you. It didnt comfort me either.

But I eventually learned that its okay to not be there YET. eventually i WILL. thats all that matters.

For example. I had a row of tests to study for. conveniently, all those days i would rot all after school and stay up late doing nothing of value. it stressed me out to the point where i broke down. i couldnt even manage the energy to sit up in my bed anymore. 

but i know I AM TRYING to be hard working. I AM TRYING to be better. 

if you tell yourself ALL you have to do is sit up, you can push yourself to do it. It may take a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days. But if you try and keep trying, you can do it.

and the other things come much easier. forgive yourself for rotting. forgive yourself for not studying or failing a test. forgive yourself for feeling lazy or missing assignments. Its okay. because thats in the past. the only thing that matters is the present.

if you cant study today, mentally, thats okay. forgive yourself. if you can, do so. but if you can't, its all okay.

you have the potential to be hardworking and live with purpose. You have the potential. And all of this will build you into a stronger person.

love you, future me.

and everyone else who was reading :]

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whew that was long. i mostly posted this for myself lmao if you cant tell. sometimes we need a warm reminder that everything can be okay. just keep trying. for anyone who is struggling with anything.