9/27/2024

September XXVII, MMXXIV

I accidentally skipped writing yesterday; but technically, for me it is still the same day. I have been awake for over 24hrs now and I originally believed it was mania related, and only supporting that theory further i find myself beginning to hit my crashing point. Not only am I started to lose to motivation and hype I have had for the previous...god only knows how long, but I can feel the extreme opposite of depression creeping it's way in.

I hate how easy it is for my emotions to get carried away and be as strong as they are to the point of effecting my sleep and or causing me episodes like the one I am currently easing myself from. I like to think I am better at navigating and recognizing my signs to prevent myself from doing something drastic, but it is odd to feel so strongly and so negatively after being "zombified" for the past six to seven years.

I can't deny the overwhelming loneliness is beginning to cripple me; the cabin fever is setting in. I feel so isolated. Don't get me wrong! I enjoy my solitude and being away from others, but only by consent; it feels as though I have no choice but to be alone. I have almost nobody, and to demand the attention of the two people I do have would be unfair to them. I seem to have to deal, which sucks, but it could be worse i suppose. 

It must be a sad sight to look into my life and see almost no accomplishments or meaningful relationships; i hate i allowed myself and then the wolf of my past to ruin me. I wish I had the self-love I have currently back then, maybe then my boundaries and being would have been more respectable. To dwell on that does no good, regardless, it is over with. The wound has been dealt and can begin the process of healing now.

I am going to try to stay positive, but I did want to write at least a small ventalation of the overwhelming anchor that is sinking on my chest.