venting ig

Basically all the time I spend by myself is spent thinking deeply about stupid stuff and then ruining for myself. I thinking about purity and beauty and ugliness and how they're not real but even though I know these things I still conform to them. I don't eat as much as I used to, I don't eat a lot, then I get angry and think rude things about a person when I watch them eat because it's something I can no longer enjoy myself. I'm not as happy as I used to be just two years ago when I could eat and not feel dirty. This is something I believe only people do. It wasn't me who created beauty standards, they're not even unspoken of rules, they're pushed everywhere. I feel guilt for being human in a way because I feel like we are the only animals on this planet who are capable of making such destructive concepts. Only human being are bored and dumb enough to create made up things to make each other feel bad or just destroy things, like what is beauty and ugliness, or purity, or fame, or hunting as sports, religions, genders, or anything like that. I am tired of wanting to conform, I want to let go completely and live happily, it just seems so difficult to rn.