back again with more harrowing and awful shit straight from my heart.
theres been a lot going on with me recently so i dont even know where to start, or how to put this into words. i woke up an hour ago and i just felt so empty, so annoyed, so over life. i just didn't want to be here, and i still kind of don't right now. i'm not gonna do anything, but i'm just saying i'd have rather stayed asleep. forever.
i started playing a minecraft server recently, trying to occupy my time and make some more friends because my fp is gone, or whatever. it was all good and stuff, im on good terms with a few people from the server, theyre all chill dudes. thing about it though, i dont talk to them outside of the game. the only time we ever really talk about anything is when we are on the server at the same time, which isnt often since its kind of a dead server. but it just doesn't feel like a real friendship.
theyre all relatively weird and cringe in the same way i am, so we get along fine, but i want more. i wish i knew how to talk to these people better. i wish i knew how to hold a conversation.
its kind of funny, ive been playing a lot of smp servers recently, talking to strangers and befriending them. but it doesnt ever stick. either because of me or because of them, i dont know fully. i know half of it is because im bad at talking to people, but i dont know if those people just lose interest or think im weird so they dont ever initiate a conversation.
but also, im trying to make friends on minecraft. ten years ago, i did the same thing, but that was the time i found my fp and became friends with him. im trying to recreate my childhood and gain friends that way.
i just wish he would come back. i miss him so much but i dont know what to do. everything feels fucking pointless. no matter how many castles and fortresses and houses i build im never gonna escape the feeling of impending doom because my fp isnt around.
i want him to play with me again. i cant fucking do anything with him gone. it feels like a couple years ago, i was able to create more things when we would hang out almost nonstop. i was writing entire fics, i was drawing shit with actual composition, i was picking up new skills, i was doing the shit i loved to do. its like he made my life have meaning, he made me have a will to live, he made me want to do these things, but now that hes gone all i wanna do is get more friends or die in a hole in the ground. its like i got more paranoid and disinterested over time.
this fucking sucks i wish he wasnt in my mind at all. i wish we werent friends. i want him to go away and stay away forever and then i can try to move on.
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