Its so tempting 3/20/22

floating

surrounded by nothingness

its dark

yet so very bright at the same time

the feeling of being disconnected

from my body

from my family

from the world

oh how i dream

of taking the chance

the risk of cutting deeper

of taking more than one pain killer

of jumping

of falling

of flying

how if it fails 

i would wake in a room

steady pulse loud on a moniter

iv bags

bandages littering my body

or maybe stomach empty

laying in a bed of cold blankets

bright white lights

but i cant

because what will become of those i love

many of those hurt me

so many times have they hurt me 

more than any blade

or pill

or building could

yet i still hope

still yearn for their love

because maybe if i stay

maybe if i get better

theyll see that im not a failure

that im not a waste of space

a burden

worthless

not doing my part

ruining their time

but its so tempting

the thought is so comfortable 

im scared that maybe

once this constant becomes a rarity

that they will go back

go back to how they used to be

back to when if i felt low

that it would be brushed aside

thought that is how things are currently 

it feels different 

they tell me they wont see me differently 

that they wont change how they see me

how theyll still love me

i know its a lie

because they have already changed

their gaze is confused

worried

burdened

the ask me things

as if im a child

they say that i dont know any better

that i think this is a game

that they feel stressed with the need to care

my question to them is

how do you think i feel?

i’ve had these voices in my head for years

since my age was just a single digit

hidden panic attacks keeping me up

crying in the bathroom stalls

throwing up food 

cutting and bleeding

death frightens me

not the act of dying or letting go

but what comes after

if anything at all

will it just be dark

nothing to think

nothing to exist for

or will there be something

old friends

old family

who were held by deaths gracious arms

but as i sit here

surrounded by people who love a god

holding back tears 

itching to cut and end it all

thinking of a plan to sleep

i wonder if ill see another day