Where I'm at now

I can still remember the memories of spending hours upon hours with her, just talking about whatever comes to mind. I can remember petco, Roblox, and even other memories, like laying in bed with her and feeling as if we are finally together and at rest for even just a few hours. Driving there felt so long and short at the same time, and I can recall exactly what I was thinking back then:

"What am I thinking? This is so crazy and wrong"

"I should wait until I know what I'm doing"

"What if this goes wrong? What if she doesn't want me?"

"I love her. I need to at least try."

I've seen her laugh, with her giddy smile and cheerful eyes. I've seen her cry, and my body would shake from how anxious it would make me. I literally feel like the world stops every time I see her. She's probably asleep right now. Actually, I know she is. She's really sleepy. I get to watch, from afar, as this young girl turns into a beautiful woman.

Who am I, though? I think I will try to do my best, still. I know I have made so many mistakes along the way. I live in grief and torment constantly. I don't know how to confront the reason for my trauma. I always think I'm too weak to face it. You bring me to my knees. I love you, and these years of knowing you have made me frail.

For now, I can remember. I can look ahead with wide eyes and be here for you every day. Even when you feel like you're alone, I'll always love you. You are so precious to me. You are my life. I'm sorry that I don't show you that.

I think I am finding who I am, but I have been so used to bleeding the blood of others that it is difficult.