9/24/2024

September XXIV, MMXXIV

It has been two weeks since I last wrote, and to say I am emotionally drained is an understatement. I haven't taken the time to debrief even privately in my personal journals, so everything has been building and pressurizing inside me. I would hate to have a genuine meltdown in comparison to the small outbursts I have had recently, so I figured writing with the free time I currently have would be a positive and beneficial pass time.

I know there is a lot, but the downfall of not writing everyday or at least writing what was bothering me was forgetting the situations that brought the still lingering feelings in the first place. I do know I want to note that I communicated to Seth about what was bothering me in my last entry, and a guilt still gnaws on me for being bothered about it. He has been nothing but sweet, patient, and understanding to me; he doesn't deserve the struggle that is carrying my ridiculous overthinking and mental baggage. In everything, he has been the one sound and safe place for me to go when overwhelmed, and I wish I could properly express my gratitude for that to him.

I do know there has been multiple "small" hits to my sanity that I have played off as not that extreme or bothering to me...but I think that truly have effected me: the Eirebelle situation, the "friend" situation with Ian, anger towards Jamie only growing for him setting me back in my progress of self-growth. That's not even all of it either; there has been so much sensitivity and miscommunication in the house that I feel like I am back living with dad and walking on eggshells all the time. Of course, it is different to a degree, but the victim complex and narcist is still present enough for me to draw parallel. 

Overall, it has just been a overwhelming feeling of disappointing and messing up in anyway I can; rather it be actions or words. I hate that I can't feel content or happy with the way I act, what happened? What made me suddenly feel so constantly condemned and hated. I am mentally ill, there is no escaping that fact; but am I so bad off that I need to get back on my medication? I don't think so, but I don't know. I am feeling again, but feeling so strongly instead of the numbness I grew so used to makes me nervous. 

I am going to try to start journaling more, use it as a natural medication and truly try sticking with it to help regulate my emotions and struggles. I don't want to keep hurting people unintentionally.