Journal Entry #1

I keep having weird dreams. 

For as long as I can remember, my dreams have come to me in droves and all at once. I can go months without a single one, but then when I get one, all of them seem to follow. I dream every night for a week or two and then sleep returns to that silent, dark memory. 

I usually dream about the people in my life. Like last night, my first dream was just me going to the gym bc my best friend was absent from school (even though we don't go to school together anymore). Then the next was my family and I going on a trip by train. I got into an argument with my dad and just continued the trip on my own which made it feel a lot calmer. 

My cat's doing better. She was sick for a good while, but the medicated food I bought her seems to be working really well for her which is good because it isn't cheap. 

I'm really nervous for this upcoming club position I took up. I don't really know what being a secretary entails or if I even sent the email correctly but I can't stay in the same space I've been in for the last 5 years. If I don't move now, I'm scared I'm going to die in this stupid town. I can't let that happen no matter what it takes. 

But I don't have any money and every job I've applied to for the past 2 years has either ghosted me or rejected me I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've started selling stuff online just to get money for my weekly outings, but I need to find work during the holidays or I've got no hope leaving the country by next summer and I'm tired of being here. I want to see things and meet people even if it scares me a whole lot. This city, this state, cannot sate that desire as lovely as tourist ads make it seems. There's no moving upwards underneath someone's shoes. 

I got misgendered at the thrift store yesterday and, while I usually wouldn't mind, it kind of hurt my feelings. I've been putting thinking about myself in that regard off for a long time, mostly because of the way my parents view it. I'm afraid that if I see myself as non-binary or genderfluid or something with a bit more elasticity than my current cisgender label, then they won't truly respect it. But I also feel comfortable as a woman I'm just not feminine the way people have come to know it as in both the way I express myself and how I behave. Why do I have to be well-mannered and basic looking to be viewed as a woman? I'm a girl in my own way even if, at times, I feel that I'm more masculine in my femininity. I hope that's not confusing but I think it is. 

I have a weird love/hate relationship with talking to people at parties, bars, etc. because sure it's a nice time waster, but nothing more. If anything it reminds me of why I love my friends so much out of everyone else out there which is not so bad. However, at the same time it gives me enough of a peek at someone's true nature that I can determine that I disagree with them on aspects of life I find important. You might think "perhaps this judgment is too harsh?" but if I were any laxer with it, I'd get hurt again and I'd rather be hurt alone on my own terms than hurt on someone else's. 

I hope that that's a selfish way of going about it.